Sex Files: The real secrets to the Victoria's Secret Catalogue

I committed a grave faux-pas the other day.

In a fit of spring cleaning, I gathered all the useless magazines and newspapers and chucked them out in the trash.

"Where's the hell's the Victoria Secret catalogue," stormed my boyfriend a few hours later. I have plenty of lingerie, I explained. The garbage men took it away with the rest of the trash.

"Awwy!" he cried, stomping his feet. "I needed...I mean, never mind."

The bedlam that ensues when a woman throws her man's wanking material out. Not that he was too upset. After all, professional pics of women in lacy lingerie show up nearly daily on our doorstep.

One of the biggest differences between the sexual realms of males and females has to be "self pleasure." Women can't believe the amount of time men spend producing and spewing semen. Already adept in how women (me) please themselves, I felt pulled to illuminating this darkened sphere of male sexuality.

According to Details<> magazine 1993 sex survey, 61 per cent of men polled beat off three or more times a week which sounds about right to the guys I know.

"I'll masturbate whenever I can," professes Borys." I have to do something sexual every day."

"Depends on the amount of traffic," says Enzo who prefers to masturbate when the least amount of people are about his busy household. "Usually everyday, but if there's a lot of traffic, once a week."

According to these boys, whether or not you have a regular lover should not dissuade you from spanking the monkey. You see, there is a biological need for men to wank unless they want to wake up with soiled sheets. That probably explains why an estimated 75 per cent of guys participate in the self-love bit, but pleasure has more to do with it than technical jargon.

"There is a difference between having a deep orgasm and fellatio and intercourse," says a private and thoughtful Christoph. "I think the greatest orgasm that can be conceived is by yourself, but there's a lonely feeling connected to it. You always want to switch over to reality and be with someone.

"You're two different people. Before you masturbate you're a raving, hyper-lunatic and after you're sedated." Chris also adds that masturbation is not solely for pleasure.

Masturbating is a nightly ritual for some guys who swear it makes them sleep better. Then there's Chris' pal Dom who uses wanking to cap off his sexual urges before he ventures out to gay bars. Sometimes the sexually-charged atmosphere is too intense for Dom, so if he doesn't want "to get into trouble," he'll jerk off before hand.

Make masturbation part of your sexual repertoire like Borys, who likes to shoot his load over the women he brings home. A live fantasy he beats off over. Do you lick it off too Borys?

All my male friends have told me that men are visually oriented sexually, which explains the Victoria Secret's catalogue and the $1 billion porno industry directed squarely at men's groins. But it makes you wonder what old Joe Farmer in the fields did to get his rocks off before print or modern mammary advertising.

"I do think the more you go with visual aids, the more you need," says Enzo. "If you're used to dealing without, you probably have a better imagination when you masturbate."

And there is a trick to get more for your buck with "aids."

"You have to have something that stimulates you erotically and then intellectually afterwards, like Playboy<>. For shier guys, buying a magazine with an article on Winona Ryder is enough of an inspiration for them."

Hmm. I guess that makes the Ottawa Sun<> with its buxom chick on Page Three the cheapest beat-off rag in town. An honest male Sun<> reader will tell you a pretty Sunshine Girl provides hours more pleasure, and semen, than the rest of the paper combined.

But some of my male friends can't understand why women get jealous of their beating-off material. It's not that they're cheating on them, they protest. Even some women buy their boyfriends and husbands porno mags so they won't stray.

My guess is females get jealous because they have the picture of the woman you're fucking in your head which can be unsettling for even the most assured female. After all, don't we assume sexual property of our partners, even if this is unrealistic?

"Sometimes I fantasize about my girlfriends or who I'm sleeping with when I masturbate," says Borys. Chris disagrees, describing his fantasies possessing rather exaggerated physical attributes which he fetishes.

"Sometimes, there'll be 30 or 40 women you'll fantasize about. Each one overlaps the other. Then you pick one to climax with, that's really important," says Chris.

This self-love cycle does wind down as men age. Maybe when they are 50 they'll slow this seeming rapid pace. But if they're still able and willing, there's definitely a way to gratify the male self.

"Where are you going," I inquire to my boyfriend whose marching upstairs with a new Bay catalogue.

"I'm just going to read. Y'know, be by myself."

Yah, right.

Understand the importance of honest news ?

So do we.

The past year has been the most arduous of our lives. The Covid-19 pandemic continues to be catastrophic not only to our health - mental and physical - but also to the stability of millions of people. For all of us independent news organizations, it’s no exception.

We’ve covered everything thrown at us this past year and will continue to do so with your support. We’ve always understood the importance of calling out corruption, regardless of political affiliation.

We need your support in this difficult time. Every reader contribution, no matter the amount, makes a difference in allowing our newsroom to bring you the stories that matter, at a time when being informed is more important than ever. Invest with us.

Make a one-time contribution to Alternet All Access, or click here to become a subscriber. Thank you.

Click to donate by check.

DonateDonate by credit card
Donate by Paypal

Don't Sit on the Sidelines of History. Join Alternet All Access and Go Ad-Free. Support Honest Journalism.