Rich Krassen, DNA Mouse
You may have seen in the newspaper that human DNA has been successfully inserted into mice, some of whom now have a complete human chromosome.I received a phone call from one such mouse this past week. He identified himself as "Richard L. Krassen," told me that he had this procedure done to him several years ago and that he wanted to get his story out via my column, which he said he read on a "periodic basis."His female human companion, whom he called "Terri," could be heard from time to time in the background.Indoors: Why did you decide to call me, of all people? Any journalist, from any paper in the world, would be thrilled to hear your story.Krassen: Well, you've done animal interviews before. I remember a while ago you interviewed that beer dog. What was his name ...Indoors: Spuds MacKenzie.Krassen: Yeah, Spuds MacKenzie. He's in washed-up dog hell now. And you interviewed Socks Clinton. Ooo, I'm in the White House. I'm the White House cat now. Big deal. Look, I made it into the White House. Yeah, like you were elected. Hairball.Indoors: I suppose the first thing I need to establish is that you're really a mouse, and not some guy who's trying to pull a fast one on me.Terri (in the background): Yeah, what are you, a man or a mouse?Krassen (to Terri): That was funny the first 1500 times. (back to me) You're gonna have to take my word on it. I am a mouse. I really am. A mouse with a human chromosome and human characteristics.Indoors: I guess that's good enough. ... So, you have a lady friend?Krassen: She may be a friend, but she's no lady! Oww! (to Terri) What are you trying to do, kill me? God, I was kidding! You almost crushed me!Indoors: How do you, uh ... how do you read my column, for instance?Krassen: Like I read anything else. I run back and forth across the page.Indoors: What other writers do you like reading in town?Krassen (suddenly impatient): Is this the best you can come up with? I'm a mouse, for God's sake. Don't you have any more penetrating questions than that?Indoors (flustered): Yes, yes ... uh, how much do you weigh?Krassen: About eight ounces. If I eat too much my weight goes up. Obviously.Indoors: Do you eat Swiss cheese, like in the cartoons?Krassen (sighing): I like cheese. I like crumbs. Indoors: Do you like bread crumbs or cookie crumbs?Krassen: If I feel like eating bread, I eat bread crumbs. If I feel like eating cookies, I eat cookie crumbs.Indoors: Do you like Pepperidge Farm crumbs?Krassen: Oh, yeah. Pepperidge Farm crumbs. Ooh, baby.Indoors: Why do you call yourself Richard L. Krassen?Krassen (impatient again): Because ... that's my name. You know, maybe this wasn't such a good idea.Indoors: Wait, wait, wait. Now, your friend Terri ... are you able to have normal sexual relations with her?Terri (snickering in the background): They may be sexual, but they're sure not normal.Krassen (to Terri): I told you we'd discuss it tomorrow! Indoors: Do you have your own checking account?Krassen: What? ... No, no checking account.Indoors: Do you have a driver's license?Krassen (exasperated): No, no driver's license. Indoors: How do you drink liquids, through a little straw?Krassen (at wit's end): Do you think it might be of interest to your readers of how I came to be ... how I came by the ability to talk, think, and function on human levels? Think people might be interested in that?Indoors: Gee, I don't know, it sounds kind of technical. Krassen: Yes, let's not get technical. Let's not get scientific. I'm dropping the story of a lifetime into your lap here!Indoors: So when you have sex with Terri, do you run up and down ÑKrassen: Adieu, Bozo. (to Terri) The hell with it, let's call the Times.Indoors (sensing that perhaps an opportunity has been lost here): Mr. Krassen? Mr. Krassen?E-mail the Indoors at ericbroder@sprintmail.com
