Norma Jean: The Quicksand

It must be that time of year, month or life cycle, because I find myself waking up in the night, my mind racing about all the things that might go wrong at any moment -- from an airforce jet crashing into my house which is directly under their flight path, to losing my son from any number of graphic causes my mind so brilliantly can concoct, to the extinction of my talents, energy and basic usefulness. Sometimes it's hard to catch my breath in the maelstrom of such fatalistic thinking.The magic word here is Fear. Fear seems to be the true emotion under all the rage, sadness and depression most people feel. Fear makes the physical body feel like the skin is too tight, the bones too heavy, and as if the stomach is trying to digest a saw. Fear always comes between us and our own vitality and resourcefulness. Fear keeps us from love. I get scared when I begin to isolate. As a singular person I sometimes miss the reality check of having a significant other. Sometimes one can become so safe in one's aloneness that we push away others who offer intimacy. We actually enjoy our addiction to suffering sometimes. A good therapist will often steer one from such a quagmire of bad thoughts by reminding us of who we really are and that the only moment is always the present one.Sometimes we feel like a work in progress. We procrastinate loving or being loved until we feel more perfect or healed (from whatever). People spend years in a state of "woundology" where they remain elated be the power that their particular wound gives them in terms of making them feel connected to others of the same or similar wound; divorce, sexual abuse, addictions, ect.What I've been doing for a week now is playing "victim-one-ups-manship" with myself and with whomever will listen to my gibberish. It's as if sometimes we want to prove to ourselves and to others that we just can't get out of the mess of our own lives and patterns. Love can't happen in these spaces. Love cannot touch us when our head is stuffed so far up that oh so familiar dark place.The antidote to a bad spell sometimes is simply to take a deep breath and focus on the person, animal, child, and flower in front of you.


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