NORMA JEAN: The Hunger
Here's the thought of the week:Intense eroticism and a state of constant excitement is not a soulful type of love, even if one feels "crazy in love." Attachment and insane jealousy characterize this type of "degraded" love. I say "degraded" because partners in this type of "love" always seem to need to prove their love to each other. Chronic suspicious discussions and intense probing of the other is indicative that distrust is at the bottom of this attachment. We've all had this type of experience. Our hunger to heal ourselves through another clouds the reality of the other person. Unconditional love never comes from probing, threatening, manipulating, dominating or playing subtle power games. Some of us are so hooked on the adrenal-erotic-addiction of this kind of liaison that we look for it each time we are in relationship. When we are with people who do not evoke this feeling we Þgure we aren't "in love."How about growing up and expanding our experience of each other in relationships? Love moves outward and expands to all in a community when it provides a sense of belonging and is based on realistic expectation. Our partners cannot be expected to make us whole or bring us to life. Our partners cannot obscure the basic reality of our aloneness, nor can our children, our careers or our pets.So often I talk to men and women who describe what they want in another, and it's something that doesn't exist. Some hold out well into their 40s for that special someone with whom all is magic and erotic. Many people hold on to someone in the background -- the one they "really loved." But eternal devotion to the one that got away is a perfect excuse to Þnd shortcomings with all the people we meet that aren't quite right and to remain in an infantile fantasy about what love can be.Be honest. Who was doing all the giving in that relationship from the past? How available was she/he? Was the love really mutual? Really? Or were you always hoping, wishing, waiting for the other to change, get out of school, etc?Someone told an old boyfriend of mine that I considered him the "love of my life." He was stunned and then replied, "If I was the love of her life, then she has no idea what love is."This statement hit me in the head like a boulder. Here I am living with the story that this was "the big one," and it was actually one-sided. Three years of hoping and hanging on to something that wasn't happening is a waste of self. This single incident woke me up out of a dream. Hunger for love is often selÞsh desire or divine longing, and the love addict's fatal attractions stem from, you guessed it, the wounded child within.How about doing something for someone who needs your love? Do something that no one will ever Þnd out about. Honor your Creator and act in a way that creates loving. Gestures of love add up to create a feeling of connection and community. The people here on these pages of personals are you and I, people who yearn to feel connected and part of our community and here on this planet.