NORMA JEAN: Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself

[Ed. Note: Artwork must accompany column. Designed to your specifications at no cost by Missy Neal, Art Director. Call 505-268-8111.]My name is Norma Jean Thompson. I'm experienced in love, lust, the art of seduction, being a heartbreaker and having my heart broken. I've been in and out of the sandbox with enough illustrious and not so illustrious men that I may have actually acquired a little wisdom about navigating life "singular," and staying healthy, happy and open through it all, which brings me to the point; how to use personals to enrich your romantic life and rock your world in every which way!Women, running an ad in personals or actually picking up the phone and calling some of the guys listed here who are just "dyin' to meet ya!" is a total gas! Hell, I've done it myself; me, the ultimate elitist, a former gal pal of Richard Gere, I currently use this form of mating service which I think of as "an intriguing and sane alternative to the bar scene." Personal "introductions" of any kind are an unspoken version of dating services anyway, even amongst the Hollywood elite. If you're sleeping with your dog and both cats, maybe it's time to venture out of your comfort zone. Using personals as both advertiser and the person that "makes the call" has brought many people I know some memorable sexual encounters, new business connections, boyfriends for their girlfriends, roommates, vacation tips and casual dates to local events. The quality of men who run ads in personals these days doesn't necessarily reflect the low end of the bell curve either. Sure you'll meet a few churls now and then but for the most part women claim to meet some remarkable men, maybe not their soul-mates, if there is such a thing, or that "handsome, athletic, funny, sensitive PhD who loves children as well as his mother," but some wonderful, imperfect, cuddly "other" to eat pizza with, and he's right there a phone call away. As our business and professional lives swallow us up, it's important to stay in touch with people on a more intimate level and sustain a feeling of community.Tele-dating is just plain cozy. You can begin the process in your living room, tea in hand; even on a bad hair day! Stop waiting to bump into your future lover in an elevator or at aerobics class. And folks, nobody really cares if you secretly run personals or answer them. In fact, most people are absolutely intrigued by their anonymity.Speaking of anonymous I'd like to dispel any fantasies or fears you might have that your precious little ad is tossed around from one grubby hand to another by the people behind the scenes as they laugh, jeer and scream out "I know this guy!," or "Oh god this one wants to be pooped on!"; never happens in the lap of journalistic integrity. Again, nobody really gives a damn. Virgins to tele-communications, relax, you don't have to meet anyone, or even speak directly to anyone who answers your ad. Initial feelings of "yuk" are probably correct, so let that person down easy, and please be honest. If you hate pierced tongues and see the ring sparkle over coffee as she boasts of 22 other piercings, tell her that maybe you're the wrong guy for her. If he or she says they are "HWP" (height-weight-proportionate) and look more like 300 pounds of blubber, bring up the deception.It's brutal out there in the singles scene for everyone, so play safe, be gentle and remember that kindness counts a lot with the gods. I plan to live right here in your personals section for a while and turn the dirty low down on the mating game into an open forum. I'll inquire into the meanings of sex and love, and probe the all too perplexing masculine-feminine "thang." Nice to make your acquaintance, now, let's get "very personal"!Norma Jean

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