NORMA JEAN: I Don't Want to Love You, I Just Want to Judge You

Dear Norma Jean,I read the Personals all the time and have answered and placed ads. It is difficult to tell from the ads whether or not a person is going to be prejudiced against fat people. The majority of ads state "no preference" or HWP (height-weight-proportional) which leads one to believe that one's size is not going to be an issue. There is nothing more demoralizing than answering an ad, know that you possess all the qualities the other person desires, but are fatter than he cares for you are spurned. It's unfair.Most people are shallow, and this goes just as much for fat people as others. (I know of fat women who would rather die than be with a fat man).As a fat woman, I certainly do not wish to spend time with someone who's not able to appreciate me, and then hurt my feelings advertisers should state their prejudices no matter how shallow. JS Dear JS,Race, age, class, food preferences, tummy tightness, breast size, education, dirty ears, baldness, redhead/blonde, traveled, business owner/poor working stiff, futon or feather bed, humor, height, children, blah, blah -- The entire world is sick with prejudice, preferences, opinions, judgments, criticisms and a veritable maelstrom of "tastes" that act as wedges between people. Even within our families, or when madly in love or married, little "lifestyle thangs" get on the nerves. Characteristics once "charming" the first year of a relationship often turn into the "ugly little gesture/laugh/eating habit ..." that makes one loathe and fear a partner later on. The in-laws from back East who say "cawfee," eventually turn a once quaint accent into a torture likened to "a buzz-saw to brain" over time.Being overweight is a popular reason to reject someone, but we are all constipated with hidden and not-so-hidden prejudices. In the prime of youth, beauty and thinness, lovers still find reasons to distance themselves from growing familiarity and intimacy. "You know, I can't really marry a girl from New Jersey ..." confessed a man I lived with for two years. Good god -- and I've done this myself! I once rejected a caring boyfriend because of the way he tore at chicken and gobbled it up. I couldn't get past it. Imagine!At a relationship seminar I attended out of bewilderment, there was a segment where people were asked to walk from person to person, stopping to hold onto each others hands, look deeply into each other's eyes and say very slowly and consciously, "I don't want to judge you, I just want to love you" over and over. This simple phrase is almost impossible to say -- people burst into tears, not able to utter the words. Couples were unable to face each other without breaking down. If you don't believe me, try it with a friend, and you'll see where you stand on the prejudice meter.We are all guilty,Norma JeanSuggestion: MAKING LOVE WORK SEMINARS or AT-HOME KIT by Barbara De Angelis, Los Angeles, Ca. For more information call: 310-574-9288

Enjoy this piece?

… then let us make a small request. AlterNet’s journalists work tirelessly to counter the traditional corporate media narrative. We’re here seven days a week, 365 days a year. And we’re proud to say that we’ve been bringing you the real, unfiltered news for 20 years—longer than any other progressive news site on the Internet.

It’s through the generosity of our supporters that we’re able to share with you all the underreported news you need to know. Independent journalism is increasingly imperiled; ads alone can’t pay our bills. AlterNet counts on readers like you to support our coverage. Did you enjoy content from David Cay Johnston, Common Dreams, Raw Story and Robert Reich? Opinion from Salon and Jim Hightower? Analysis by The Conversation? Then join the hundreds of readers who have supported AlterNet this year.

Every reader contribution, whatever the amount, makes a tremendous difference. Help ensure AlterNet remains independent long into the future. Support progressive journalism with a one-time contribution to AlterNet, or click here to become a subscriber. Thank you. Click here to donate by check.