NewsQuirks 436

Poor Excuse for a GetawayRay Boeger, 77, shuffled into a savings and loan bank in Huntington Beach, Calif., pulled a semiautomatic handgun from his waistband and demanded $2,500 from a bank teller. Investigating police Lt. Luis Uchoa said that after being handed the money, Boeger walked slowly out of the bank, got in his car and drove away so slowly that bank employees had no trouble getting his license number.After holding up a bank in Cincinnati, Chris Redd, 27, was chased for about a mile before he tossed away his gun, jumped into the Ohio River and began swimming to Kentucky, 200 yards away. Halfway across, he began treading water, according to police Lt. Tim Schoch, who explained Redd "was obviously exhausted from his long chase."Missing the PointBulgaria's Lomsko Pivo brewery announced it has developed a beer that will neutralize the effects of radiation in humans. Targeted for workers at nuclear power plants, the brew is nonalcoholic. Police in Botetourt County, Va., arrested Wendy Brickey, 37, who they said held up a convenience store at gunpoint, then returned the money, complaining to the clerk there wasn't enough.Crying WolfAfter Jeff Lind reported to California's Fish and Game Department that he was attacked by a mountain lion, warden Russ Gomez went out and shot a cat he thought was a wild puma. When he returned, Lind admitted making up the story after he got drunk and accidentally cut himself with a knife. Meanwhile, the cat that Gomez shot turned out to be an Abyssinian house cat belonging to a Douglas City couple, who started a petition drive to have Gomez fired. Not-So-Great EscapeAfter Eumelio Garcia, 21, escaped from Rountree Lane jail farm in Santa Cruz County, Calif., sheriff's deputies arrested him three hours later -- trying to sneak back into the jail. Deputy Kim Allyn said Garcia left the farm with friends who thought he had a legitimate day pass. They dropped him off at his ex-girlfriend's apartment, where he kicked in a closet door, ripped the phone lines from the wall and stole a gold bracelet, then caught a ride back to the jail.Way to GoBritish actor Antony Wheeler, 26, was playing Judas in a Greek hotel's production of "Jesus Christ Superstar" when he accidentally hanged himself. Hotel manager Dimitris Hatziyannakis said Wheeler was supposed to suspend himself from a scaffold on the stage of an open-air theater and free himself after the lights went out ending the scene. Instead, his body was still hanging in the air at the start of the next act. Bad News the Morning AfterAnsell Peronsal Products of Eatontown, N.J., announced it was recalling 57 million condoms after complaints that they were breaking at the tip. The company said that even though only a few condoms had actually failed before their expiration date, the recall, the largest ever, was necessary because the company was unable to predict which others from the same batch might also break.Inflatable Doll of TomorrowThe future of sex, according to social scientist Joel Snell, is robots. Writing in the journal the Futurist, Snell predicted the sexbot could be individually programmed for personalized pleasure and eventually "robotic sex may become 'better' than human sex. They will be "disease-free; they won't judge one's sexual performance, and they won't say no." Best of all, Snell reported: "Prototype models have already been imported from Japan." As Seen on TVHotel worker Annakorn Gunnoo, 21, told Thai police that he stole money from guests' safety-deposit boxes by using a technique he saw on the television show "Mac Gyver." As he cleaned rooms, he rubbed oil from his nose on the numbered push buttons of the room safe. He would return later and check for smudges to see which buttons had been pushed. By trying the buttons in various combinations, he was able to open the safe. Police said Annakorn made it work at least 15 times.Swift Justice for the Not-So-SwiftAfter Dothan, Ala., Judge Lawson Little sentenced Jerrick Michael Snell to 20 years for cocaine possession, he was walking by Snell's cell when Snell suggested that the judge perform oral sex on him. Little ordered Snell returned to his courtroom bound and gagged with duct tape, then changed his sentence to life. Since Snell's lawyer had already left the courthouse, Little hastily appointed David Hogg to represent him. "I never had a chance to talk to Mr. Snell," Hogg said. "He was brought in gagged." Silver LiningWhile visiting Las Vegas to watch the Mike Tyson-Evander Holyfield fight this summer, Washington, D.C., bank president Robert Pincus and his wife were dancing on a sidewalk grate when it gave way and sent Pincus plummeting down a 25-foot air shaft, breaking several bones and cutting his head. He appeared to be intoxicated, according to Clark County Fire Department spokesperson Bob Leinbach, who noted, "The alcohol helped him from having more serious injuries and possibly saved his life" by keeping him relaxed as he fell. The People's CourtA Belgian court ruled against the Ministry of Defense and has banned military supersonic fighters from flying over the home of an autistic boy in Ghent whose parents complained that the noise makes him hysterical. Why They Call It DopeResponding to a report of a man sniffing gas in Ogden, Utah, police Officer Tim Shelstead said he found a 19-year-old man walking around holding a Gatorade jar containing gasoline over his nose and mouth. The Ogden Standard-Examiner reported that when Shelstead asked the man if he had drunk any of the gas, he replied, "I'm not stupid. I just sniff it." When police stopped Jamaal Lou Wallace at a surprise checkpoint outside Knoxville, Tenn., they noticed more than a dozen pine tree-shaped air fresheners in the car and a "deer-caught-in-the-headlights look in his eyes," according to narcotics officer Dennis Worley, who added, "I knew why when he opened the car window." The evergreen scent didn't come close to masking the smell of the 300 pounds of marijuana found in the trunk, Worley said. "The odor would nearly knock you down."Compiled by Roland Sweet from the nation's press. Send clippings, citing source and date, to POB 8130, Alexandria VA 22306.

Enjoy this piece?

… then let us make a small request. AlterNet’s journalists work tirelessly to counter the traditional corporate media narrative. We’re here seven days a week, 365 days a year. And we’re proud to say that we’ve been bringing you the real, unfiltered news for 20 years—longer than any other progressive news site on the Internet.

It’s through the generosity of our supporters that we’re able to share with you all the underreported news you need to know. Independent journalism is increasingly imperiled; ads alone can’t pay our bills. AlterNet counts on readers like you to support our coverage. Did you enjoy content from David Cay Johnston, Common Dreams, Raw Story and Robert Reich? Opinion from Salon and Jim Hightower? Analysis by The Conversation? Then join the hundreds of readers who have supported AlterNet this year.

Every reader contribution, whatever the amount, makes a tremendous difference. Help ensure AlterNet remains independent long into the future. Support progressive journalism with a one-time contribution to AlterNet, or click here to become a subscriber. Thank you. Click here to donate by check.