New and Improved Dictionary of Accepted Ideas
Why be an outcast? Why fade away at the edges of society? Learn to be accepted! Learn to be "one of us"! Here's an idea: Absorb the New and Improved Dictionary of Accepted Ideas!America: Love it or leave it!Anarchists: All have magazines. They will smash the state by means of parlor wit.Art: Tasteful merchandise or, rarely, something that is a product of exceptional skill -- honeycomb, for instance.Believe: You have to believe in something. Things to believe in: yourself; alternative music; American Greatness; change; your own goodness; money; God.Blacks: Millions of them live in the inner-city, where harsh conditions force them to kill, steal, rap, play basketball, abuse the welfare system and deal drugs. Can't seem to forget the times of slavery, even though that was 150 years ago. Need more role models.Bureaucrats: Live in Washington D.C. Stop decent, hardworking corporations from harvesting well deserved profit. Invade every pore of your life: they want to raise your child, to take away your gun, to sleep with your wife. Hell, we gotta draw the line.Challenge: What seems unattainable, until greed gives you strength. Building a casino in Gary, Indiana is a challenge.Children: Human puppies. Name them Taylor and Zoe and then feed them, protect them, stop them from masturbating, watch Disney movies with them, until they go to college, whereupon they get introduced to drugs, pierce their bodies and become individuals.Classical Music: Acoustic activity for stiff bores. Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker is undeniable evidence of being cultured or open minded.Cucumber: 97% water.Death: Negative thinking.Death-penalty: A hard choice. Saves tax-payers' money and puts the USA at the forefront of world democracy with Singapore, Iran and Yugoslavia.Ethics: Part of lexical grouping: Occurs exclusively with "work" or "business".Equal: All men are created equal, although some choose self-indulgent poverty.Everyday Life: What happens to you every day. Everyday Life is more important and true than that other (Every-Other-Day) kind of life.Facts: What reasonable thinking is based on. Some people refuse to face the facts. A fact: 99.9999% of human body consists of empty space.Fascists: A resilient word whose meaning cannot be diluted through repeated misapplications. Apply to any government, system or individual whose policies displease you.Feminists: Don't bleach facial hair. Hate men. Never had a decent fuck. Led by Hillary Clinton.Goatee: Like a snowflake, no two are just the same.God: The first individual. Speaks English. A sports fan, an average Joe who happens to have created the universe. Have your own individual relationship with him/her/it. The amusing people of antiquity feared God.Hitler, Adolf: An evil genius.Homosexuals: Ravenous perverts hated by God who, when befriended, help to exhibit the tolerance and sophistication of the befriender.Human Rights: Invented by the USA. Human Rights are routinely abused in Cuba, Vietnam, Iran and other countries with whom the USA has poor trade relations.Ideology: The rigid doctrine behind totalitarian rule; it is completely absent from the nimble-minded judgments of freedom-loving Americans.Irony: An important social tool. When used correctly it exhibits a fashionable world weariness. Can be demonstrated by saying: "Yeah, that's real funny!" when, in fact, it is not.Jordan, Michael: Drinks Gatorade, wears underwear and Nikes, eats Big Macs, drives a Chevy and can do no wrong.Justice, Criminal: Thunder against the breakdown of the criminal justice system. A breakdown occurs when the State is incapable of punishing the scum they were unable to prove guilty.Latin America: Not really America. Thanks to the USA's commitment to democracy, it is now safe for freedom-loving Americans to imbibe multi-cultural cocktails on adventure vacations.McCarthy, Joseph: Who?McDonald's: Over 100 billion audible digestive problems.Masturbation: If the Founding Fathers indulged themselves with masturbation, this country would've never been born.Mountains: Where the environment is located.Normal: The ultimate justification. As adjective, it is often used to describe the appearance of mass murderers and presidential candidates. A town in the heart of Illinois.Safe: You'll never be safe, because the crime-rate is sky-rocketing, the Government is after your property, and sex-offenders are after your children, and they never put the death-row scum to death.Science: Murky activity of shadowy scientists and lab-technicians. Provides evidence for ground-breaking scientific claims. An example: There's good estrogen, and there's bad estrogen.Shakespeare: The Bard. Wrote "To Be or Not to Be".Single: Looking for a gorgeous mate who likes challenging food, The New Yorker, wine, cuddling by the fire-place, five o'clock news, our fingers intermingling on the Ferris-wheel, walloping. A voluptuous soul is waiting for you to set on the journey of self-discovery. I'll love you like the baseball loves the bat.Slavery: Well, yes, it was cruel and inhuman, but I had nothing to do with it and it helped the economy and made this country into what it is now.Spare Time: The time left over after you're dead.Travel: Express a desire to want to. Not important where. Broadens your mind. If traveling, always scorn the tourists.Truth: When shopping bring a friend, the truth helps.Un-American: Immigrants. Communists. Homosexuals. Mahmoud Abdul Rauf. Militiamen. Feminists. Censorship. Too much violence. Soccer. Sex. Rap. Masturbation. Farrakhan. Multi-party system. Japanese cars. Canada.Unions: No longer necessary now that workers have secured the 80-hour work week. Unlike management and ownership, unions are corrupt.Watermelon: 98% water.Yawning: Do not bother to put your hand over your mouth when yawning -- there's no reason why you should be ashamed of your tonsils (especially if they're pierced.)Yourself: You must be yourself, it's illegal to be someone else.