Mr. DiCaprio Goes to Washington

During a taping of "20/20," Sam Donaldson flew into a stuttering rage, tearing off his toupee and using it to bitch-slap a gaffer. A visibly distraught Ted Koppel locked himself in his dressing room with a gallon of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey and ate until collapsing in a hypoglycemic stupor. A muscle in Peter Jenning's face actually twitched.At least those were the rumors flying. What knocked these respected journalists into such an emotional tailspin? They were passed over by their bosses at ABC News for a one-to-one interview with President Clinton. That plum assignment was instead handed to celluloid hunk, Leonardo DiCaprio.Honchos at ABC denied the maneuver was a ratings ploy. After the howls of laughter from media critics subsided, a spokesperson for the Disney-owned network went on to explain that sub-contracting the most significant interview of the year to an unprepared pretty boy was in no way meant to be construed as a sign of disrespect to the stable of pompous, doddering TelePrompTer-reading grifters currently sucking at the Mouse's bountiful tit.Weeks of speculation followed on whether ABC would in fact air the interview between the former star of "Growing Pains" and the star of "I Feel Your Pain (P.S. My Pants are Growing),"as part of their special Earth Day coverage. They finally decided to do so, but only after some careful editing. What follows are the snippets you didn't see, the outtakes from that controversial interview.Prez: Straight up, Leo, if you tell me how to hit on models with any kind of success ratio, I'll give you some nuclear launch codes.Leo: Mr. President, I know you're a playa from way back, but this is different. Traditional pick-up methods don't work with thing.Prez: Thing?Leo: That's industry-speak for models.Prez: I better grab a pencil. You're saying a model is unique, not like other broads.Leo: She's a mutant who won the genetic lottery at birth. So she's constantly being worked by guys. She's heard all the compliments and been showered with gifts her whole life. It's old news to her.Prez: So giving thing a copy of "Leaves of Grass" then whipping out the Li'l Governor and asking her to kiss it, just won't get it done.Leo: You nailed it, dude.Prez: Damn, that's like totally my best move, too.Leo: You have to sneak up on thing. Ask who butchered her hair, or tell her she looks fatter in person. Don't wait for a response. Walk away and talk to someone else. Nothing gets thing hornier than being ignored, because it's a new experience for her. Now you've got the upper hand.Prez: This is gold, Leo. (The door opens and Al Gore enters.)Al: Excuse me, I thought this was the bathroom.Leo: Who's this bozo?Prez: Nobody. Just my vice-president. Amscray, squarehead.Al: Why, Mr. President, I had no idea this was the Oval Office, and that you would be in here along with a network camera crew and one of America's hottest young movie stars. It's almost as if I've inadvertently stumbled into a high profile media opportunity.Prez: Beat it. I thought you were going rollerblading with your new best friend, the little rugrat from Cuba.Al: Elian has made plans which do not include me. Besides, I would much prefer to interface in an unscripted frank exchange of man-topics with you and Mr. DiCapricorn as the camera crew looks on. What sort of macho subjects are we bandying about? Automobiles, sporting events, weaponry or our penises? I will soon be releasing a position paper on all the above.Prez: Not that it's any of your beeswax, but Leo is going to interview me about the environment.Al: Fabulous choice of topic. As you probably know, I invented the environment.Leo: Maybe I should bounce.Prez: You stay put. Al is on his way out. Look, Mr. Roboto, Leo is teaching me how to score with models. I'm tired of just being skank bait. I want a crack at the big leagues. After all, I have a legacy to consider.Al: Then you'll certainly value my input, Mr. President, because I invented model humping.Leo: Oh, yeah? Name one model you boned.Al: Don't try to spring your gotcha journalism on me! It won't work. On this issue I have not equivocated in the least. While it's true, I am the original model hound who has mounted every gangly anorexic who's sauntered down a catwalk, I am also a faithfully-married husband and father of four who remains a sexual virgin to this day. As such, only I am fit to lead this country out of the fetid state of moral decay created by the sleazemonger who was my predecessor. Prez: Hey!Al: Sorry.Leo: That's it, I'm out of here.Prez: Leo, wait! After I ignore thing, then what? Leo? Dammit, Gore, you're an assbite.Al: In fact, I invented being an assbite.Prez: Now that I buy.

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