MAD DOG: Sexual Preferences

Exactly what do men and women look for in a mate? This is one of the more common questions that keeps people awake at night, right after "Why do I have to tip someone for making my latte?" and "Should I be paying the gym to use free weights?"If you're like most of us, you look for a mate who's compatible, who you want to spend your life with, and who will put up with your counting peoples' toes to make sure they have five on each foot. If you're President Clinton, you look for someone who will stand by you even when you repeatedly show incredibly bad taste in your choice of liaisons. And if you're Elizabeth Taylor or Mickey Rooney, you pretty much just look for anyone you haven't married yet.So exactly what do men look for in a woman's physical appearance? If you said "an uncanny resemblance to their mother" you'd be wrong. Unless, of course, their mother is Pamela Anderson Lee.A recent survey in England showed that men prefer women with large breasts and thin waists, while women look for a man with a Big Ben. Just kidding. Well, about the Big Ben, anyway. The truth is English women are happy if their mate has teeth.After showing pictures of different women to a group of men, the scientists discovered that the men preferred to look at the pictures in the privacy of the bathroom. Kidding again. Actually they preferred women with a little meat on their bones rather than the emaciated waif look. (NOTE: At press time Kate Moss was unavailable for comment on this since she was busy depositing a $3 billion check in the bank while laughing hysterically.)British women, it turns out, don't really care what a man looks like because they prefer ironing to men. At least in the morning. A survey by Avon (new motto: "Avon emailing") showed that less than 2 percent of the women surveyed enjoyed sex in the morning. Contrast this with over 4 percent who said they'd rather be ironing, 35 percent who would prefer to collect the milk from the doorstep, and nearly 60 percent who thought doing their make-up was more fun.Here in the United States, women apparently enjoy sex a bit more. Redbook magazine says 60 percent of the married women in this country claim their sex life is either very good or excellent. Hopefully they'll update the report when the women figure out which it is.Either way, these women say a man's profession has a big effect on his lovemaking. This shouldn't be a real surprise since we've been seeing bumper stickers for years advertising this. You know, things like "Accountants do it with interest," "Firemen carry a big hose," and "Mail carriers deliver." Contrast these with the British bumper stickers that are cropping up saying "I'd rather be ironing."According to Redbook's survey, artists keep their wives the happiest, partly because they're into foreplay. Salesmen, on the other hand, make love more often but it's over quicker. Truck drivers are the "most likely to introduce edible underwear into lovemaking, computer geeks are the least likely to give or receive oral sex, and doctors were near the bottom of the list because, well, they just don't have much stamina."But it takes more than sex to make a relationship work. Sometimes it takes laws. That's why all over the world, governments are trying to make it easier for men and women to coexist. In Austria they passed the world's first law to force husbands to do half the household chores. This is a good idea, because a marriage is supposed to be a 50/50 proposition. Like when you go paint shopping. That's why a paint store in Alford, Scotland is refusing to sell paint to men unless they have a signed note from their wives. Well, that and the fact that so many wives make them return it because they don't like the color choice their husband made. Leave it to Scottish women not to appreciate red walls and a black ceiling.In Turkey, they recently did their bit by declaring adultery to be legal for women, which is only fair since it's been legal for men for years. And in Brazil, the mayor of the small town of Bocaiuva do Sul (literally, "Out in the Sun Too Long) says he's going to help the sexes get along by personally buying and distributing Viagra free to the men in the town. If the Redbook survey holds true over there, he'd better make sure the doctors keep some for themselves.Keep all this in mind the next time you meet someone and think to yourself, "Would this person make a good mate? Or should I make a break for it while I'm still sober enough to outrun them? Happy hunting!


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