It's a Fat World After All...

The death of the corner market, global warming and the decline of the civilization in general are all the fault of a corpulent America. Recent surveys found that 33 percent of us are overweight. Given that these surveys rely on self-reported weights, headlines should have read, "33 percent overweight, 60 percent lying about it and 7 percent working as exercise machine spokes-models." It's those seven percent that give the illusion of a exercise boom. I contend that this is an merely an illusion because you cannot give away a used exercise machine. I know this because I recently drove all over town with a used rowing machine and even the charity thrift stores greeted my contribution with the same enthusiasm they would a box of John Denver 8-track tapes. My guess is that most used exercise machines are broken. If you look at the advertisements and TV commercials, only trim, abdominally rippled individuals are using these machines. It stands to reason that when a 275 pound person hoping to actually lose weight on one of these evil devices get aboard, the machine snaps like $5 lawn chair. Our flab is, in fact, effecting the entire world community. I'm pretty sure that global warming has nothing to do with our excess auto emissions or the leaking refrigeration systems. It is, however, still our fault. The earth is spinning more slowly because we are fatter than a market- ready pig. The same law of physics is in effect as when you but all the fat kids on one side of the merry-go-round. It still spins, just a little off kilter. Well, Americans are the fat kids and we have altered the rotation of the Earth such that the Sun is hitting us with more intensity. Blubber affects good and bad alike. Recent law enforcement statistics conclude that there is an increase in drive-by shootings because even the criminal element is too fat and lazy to get out of their cars to do their gangster deeds. Perhaps the single laziest thing I have ever seen occurred last week when a normal, healthy woman, who looked to be about 22, pressed the handicapped door button rather than open the door herself. This was closely followed by a couple of people I see every day who walk two blocks west to the bus stop to catch a bus that is going only three blocks east. I never said slothfulness was logical. In the 10 years I have been living in my little tree-lined 1950s sit-com like neighborhood, the two corner markets have closed. I personally thought I was buying enough beer at one of them keep it in business, but I guess I was wrong. The main reason they both went out of business is that people were unwilling to walk to a store and spend 20 cents more per six pack. Why walk to the corner market to buy food when you can drive to the megamarket, cruise the lot for a parking spot and then buy your milk, eggs, a box of shotgun shells, a garden hose and Ozzy Osborn tickets in one place? I know I'm just being Mr. Gloom ad presenting our eating habits as "bad" thing. Not true. The up side of all this is a reduced reliance on the military machine. All we have to do is keep exporting our fast food franchises and processed foods and pretty soon the rest of the world will be too lethargic to want to take over our tubby little country.

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