Instant Style Tips

This new book I received from Harper Collins, Instant Style: 500 Professional Tips on Fashion, Beauty and Attitude, has stuff in it I wouldn't have thought of in a hundred years. A sampling: "Underwear should match your skin tone, not your clothing color." "Once in a while don't carry an evening bag to a dinner or a party. It's a young look that says: 'I don't have to check my hair or makeup.'" "It's spring! Wear your old blazer with a short, sarong skirt." "Pick out new sunglasses to feel instantly chic and today." "White shoes says you're from 'out of town,' even during the summer." "When you take a pen out of your purse, it becomes an accessory. It should be carefully chosen." "Don't wear perfume to the gym. It's a place where natural body scent is best." "Self-confidence is not looking at yourself in the mirror when you're in public." And there's 492 more.Although one of the tips in Instant Style is "We think giving unsolicited fashion or beauty advice is inappropriate," I can't let that stop me. And my fashion tips are unisex, unless otherwise indicated.Scotch-tape a trail of toilet tissue to the bottom of your shoe for a look that says, "I just got back from going to the bathroom."Wear a navy blue woolen cap, with a ball on top, to a formal dinner or party. It's very Michael Nesmith, and very today.Bright sky blue pants, a red-striped shirt and multi-colored athletic shoes will give you the appearance of a circus clown -- and nothing makes others happier.If you're a little heavy in the rear, dye your eyebrows. If you're a little heavy up top, shave off your eyebrows.Men: when wearing light-colored slacks, put a little orange food coloring by the crotch. It's a look that says, "My urine is vitamin rich."T-shirt decorations come and go, but Ziggy and Snoopy are always classic.If you wear eyeglasses, wrap masking tape around the right temple for a sassy "I won't get my glasses fixed" look. And when you bring out your sunglasses, have tape around the right temple for a devastating combination.Wide, bright orange belts do have a slimming effect, but not without the big gold buckle!A quick peek of toilet tissue from the breast pocket of your blouse or shirt says, "I'm ready to go to the bathroom."If you think you're too short, carry a tiny cane -- stooping over to walk with it will make you appear taller. On your paisley shirt or blouse, with a laundry marker draw little blue woolen caps (with a ball on top) on the fat part of the paisley designs for an instant fashion update.Always bring a huge plastic bag filled with candy bars and bubble gum to important business meetings -- it shows you think young. Wear a large plastic corncob pipe on a simple silver chain and clasp around your neck; it can be easily removed if others make fun of it.Wearing a hooded sweatshirt and sunglasses is totally Unabomber, and totally current.If you want to look like you're shrinking, wear clothes that are at the most eight sizes too large for you. If you wear them any bigger, you simply look ridiculous.Self-confidence is wearing your underwear around your shoulders like a cape.Ladies: Attach and loop a long string to an empty tuna fish can, leaving the label on, for a perfect small purse. Remember: Solid White is more Paris than Chunk Light -- and Bumble Bee out-chics Star Kist every time.Stripes, solids and prints call attention to your ear lobes. If you must wear them, be sure to tape your ear lobes to the sides of your head.For an instant unique look, put a Tina Turner wig on top of your hooded, sunglassed Unabomber outfit.

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