How TV's Sit-Com Stars Would Vote
It's no coincidence that the presidential race runs concurrently with the fall TV season; in each instance, Americans get to choose which fictional characters they're going to keep around for a while. Why not take that philosophy to it's absurd extreme, and let the stars of network television pick our commander-in-chief for us?Here's how some of TV's leading lights might vote in this election cycle:Kramer, Seinfeld:If there's a more textbook Libertarian anywhere on the planet, we'd like to meet him. Once assured Jerry Seinfeld that the alternative media was the only place to get "the real story" (our BOY!). It's a safe bet that such distrust of traditional choices informs his voting habits as well. Not only would Kramer vote the Libertarian ticket across the board, he'd be overheard loudly complaining about having to write it in.Audrey, Ellen:Apolitical, but it would be easy to see her voting Democratic due to a standing crush on JFK. And rejecting the GOP's big money politics would be a great way to thumb her nose at her parents' affluence.Mulder and Scully, The X-Files:VOTE? Are you KIDDING? After all the governmental malfeasance these two have witnessed, we'd be surprised if they still had enough faith in the bureaucratic establishment to fill out organ donor cards.Beavis and Butt-head:Too young to register, but DID vote for Jeannie in Nick at Nite's "I Dream of Jeannie" vs. "Bewitched" poll. Reason: bigger "thingies."Odo, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine:As a shape-shifter, Odo would identify with Jack Kemp's similarly chameleonic ability to abruptly overhaul the very fiber of his political being.The cast of Friends:Touchy-feely Phoebe looks like a Democrat from BLOCKS away. But the rest of this materialistic, self-interested crew is Republican to the core. Promised tax cuts should help defray the cost of that ridiculously huge apartment quite nicely.Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman: Gave up on voting after that whole messy Andrew Johnson thing.Paul and Jamie Buchman, Mad About You:Jamie's a gutsy '90s career woman, and thus a Clinton voter all the way. And Paul is such an astute '90s guy that he knows always to agree with her at all costs. "A political pollster ... can you come back when my wife is home?"Andy Sipowicz, NYPD Blue:After what those PUNKS did to his kid, he'd never vote for any candidate who tried to roll back gun control laws. Dole's "law and order" posturing fails to make an impression on yet another committed cop who's BEEN there.Jessica Fletcher, Murder, She Wrote:The one U.S. citizen who doesn't think Bob Dole is too old to govern.Niles Crane, Frasier:Can you say "nouveau riche?" Of course this effete snob has to be a country club Republican. What's scary is the realization that Frasier's younger brother and George Will have never been seen in the same room together. One difference: you just know that Niles knows less than nothing about baseball.Homer Simpson, The Simpsons: A proven sucker for any shamelessly manipulative "pro-USA" rant, Homer is Dole's dream voter. And considering how quickly and guiltlessly he consigned his own father to a bottom-of-the-barrel rest home, do you really think he'd lose any sleep over the potential gutting of Medicare?Kelly Bundy, Married...with Children: Political philosophy: If Madonna doesn't vote, why should you bother, either?Caroline, Caroline in the City: Who GIVES a shit?