Holyfield Loses Chunk of Ear; Chairman Mao to Blame

On the literal eve of Hong Kong's return to Chinese rule, the spirit of Chairman Mao Tse Tung descended upon Mike Tyson in Las Vegas, Nev., persuading the African-American boxer to bite off a piece of another man's ear.The transcorporal and transcontinental bite heard 'round the world may have cost Tyson a $30 million purse, but it won boxing and foreign affairs observers, alike, a clear view to the mysterious pantheon of our modern heroes.Tyson, a one-time champion in the world of boxing, had a portrait of Chairman Mao tattooed on his right arm while serving time in the Indiana Youth Correctional Facility on a highly publicized rape and assault conviction.A recently published biography of Chairman Mao written by his personal physician, Zhisui Li, suggests that the long-time dictator of Communist China also raped and assaulted women on a regular basis. Unlike the women Tyson beat and raped, Mao's teen-age victims were considered patriotic for sacrificing their virginity to the premier's insatiable lust for power. Ironically, this formidable political figure who inspired thousands of pretentious intellectuals across the First World to declare an ineffectual war on capitalist culture also captured the heart of frustrated pugilist "Iron" Mike Tyson."Being the leader of China is like being a father one billion times over." -- MaoLike Mao, who is credited with the execution, unjust imprisonment, and starvation of millions of Chinese women, men and children in the name of "progress" and "industrialization," Tyson also believes in the supremacy of his paternal authority:"I have children to raise. I have to retaliate." -- TysonIn the maimed body of Evander Holyfield, Americans can now take stock of the fate of Hong Kong and the history of Mao's China. Who can blame a man for biting off another's ear when the fate and fortune of the former's children are at stake?Such on the job injuries to others are commonplace in the world of pop star revolutionaries. It is well known that Che Gueverra once poked out a fellow guerrilla's eye by accident while penning his now bestselling "Motorcycle Diaries" and even Cuba's gentle giant, Fidel Castro, has been known to bust a kneecap here and there without batting an eye. Tyson, who once endeared young American men to wear t-shirts that read "Free Tyson" and "I'll be back," first became a celebrity by physically destroying his opponents -- and first wife. Is the world of organized boxing really that different from that of civil wars? In the aftermath of the Cultural Revolution, did anyone stop to ask if Mao's "purse" would be denied him because of his egregious crimes against the Chinese people? Not likely. Nor is it probable that President Bill "Punch Drunk" Clinton will have anything more meaningful to say after Saturday's synchronous assaults on Holyfield and Hong Kong than the following official reaction: "I don't know what the federal role should be. I haven't given any thought to that whatever. But as a fan, I was horrified...Horrified, horrified.'' Boys will be boys. Cest la guerre. It's a man's world, after all. Love means never having to say you're sorry. Long live the revolution! (South to the Future's World Wide Wire Service is a weekly feed of technology and media news commentary and satire.)

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