Holiday Letter From Mad Dog

Dear friends!The past year has been amazingly busy here in the Dog household. Is it possible that twelve months have really gone by since my last newsletter? I'd apologize for not writing more often, but since March I got three letters back from the Post Office marked "Refused", one labeled "Moved--Left No Forwarding Address" and four which had been corrected in red ink and graded. Not the best grades I've gotten either. By the way, if anyone knows my parents' new address, please give me a call or mail it to me; I promise I won't tell them who passed it on. Speaking of good grades, the new back porch is almost finished! You might remember that the old one was in great shape, at least until that bulldozer backed into it while grading the yard for the Olympic-size in-ground swimming pool. Were their faces red when they found out they were in the wrong yard? Of course not, they were just sunburned from working outside all the time. (Ha! Ha!) The new porch should be really nice once the shipment of Plastic Wood gets here, but the best part is they left the big hole in the backyard so I'll finally get to have that Manta Ray farm I've always dreamed of. Work has been going well, though I'm still mad at Dave for using my idea for the Top Ten lists without asking me. At least no one's stolen my idea for that TV series about a group of friends who never work. Unfortunately the fried marble revival I expected never happened, which was just as well after the rear doors of the truck I rented opened up and spilled my inventory all over Interstate 95. My new office is nice as I get to socialize a lot with everyone who works in the building since they have to cut through here to get to the bathroom. Oh yea, I almost forgot! The foot's healing well, Brian apologized for misspelling "Mom" on my new tattoo and the I.R.S. dropped the tax evasion charges when they came to my house and agreed that I couldn't have made any money last year. This has definitely been a lucky year for me. I found a nice girl who I like a whole lot, but after a couple of days she cut through the ropes and found her way home. As the price of gas goes up so does the value of my car as I put more expensive gas in it. Soon I'll sell it for a fortune and buy a hot new Lamaborg...Lambourgh...a Yugo. And maybe you hadn't heard, but I had three winning lottery tickets this year! Twice I bought new tickets which lost (Boo!) and once I bought a Snickers bar (Yea!). Wait, shouldn't I have gotten change for that? (Ha Ha. Just kidding.) My health is good, I'm not married yet and luckily the dog hasn't found his way home. I've almost finished repainting the kitchen after the grease fire that started when I used the new fondue pot my brother gave me for my birthday. The firemen were surprised that I would have used a fondue pot that hadn't been manufactured in fifteen years and had been recalled twice. Speaking of birthdays, this one was a big one for me! Everyone said they had a blast at the huge party in the Hotel Jefferson. I can't believe they rented out the whole thing! I would have loved to have been there, but you know how bad the mail delivery can be. Next time send my invitation out earlier, guys! Well, I finally got to go on that long overdue vacation. I can't wait to have grandchildren so I can tell them I was at Disneyworld the first time it was shut down by a blizzard. It may have been a short trip, but at least it was educational; Mickey Mouse is a lot bigger than he looks on TV! And talk about expanding your horizons, I learned something when I went to the beach, too. Did you know the higher the SPF number the longer you can stay out in the sun?!? Well, that's all I have room for right now. My New Year's resolutions for 1996 are to dust every time I vacuum, eat more baby seal and stop using those high cholesterol animal fats to wax my moustache.Happy Holidays, Mad Dog# # #

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