Hightower: Gramm and the Ozone

Big environmental news reported! Here's the headline on an AP story out of Geneva: "Hole in Ozone Layer Doubles in Size in One Year." According to a study by the World Meteorological Organization, the earth's ozone layer -- which protects you and me from the sun's deadly rays -- is being depleted faster than ever, and the ozone hole already is twice the size it was last year. This new report says the growing hole -- which will lead to more skin cancer, cataracts and other diseases for us -- is the result not of natural causes, but of the actions of: "MAN." Well, OK, but the real question is: which man -- specifically? Big science won't tell you this, because it's dependent on government grants and doesn't want to bite the hand that feeds it. I don't take government handouts, so I can now take you beyond the headlines and give you the inside scoop. According to our own specific analysis, the growing hole in our ozone layer is being caused by this particular man: Senator Phil Gramm! Think about it: how long has ozone depletion been a serious concern? Since the mid-70s -- exactly the time when Phil Gramm first went to Congress. And let me ask you this -- what unnatural phenomenon has taken place in the last year? Phil Gramm has been running for president, that's what! His gaseous speeches have been rising up into the stratosphere and ergo, ipso facto, and bingo -- the hole in our ozone layer had doubled in a single year. Here's the clincher: the Geneva Report says that the earth's ozone hole now measures 3.9 million square miles - which just happens to be exactly the size of Phil Gramm's ego! It's a scientific fact: the more Gramm speaks, the more his ego bloats -- and the more that ozone hole grows.

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