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HIGHTOWER: Dole's English-Only Bill

Oh good! Bob Dole is going to deal at long last with one of the greatest problems affecting your family and mine.Good jobs at good wages? Naw, no time for that. Health care for all? Get real. No, no, the "crisis" the Dolester is putting waaaay-up on America's agenda this year is one that I know worries you day and night: Making English our official language.Never mind that English already is the de facto official language--not only in our country, but it's the international language of finance, science, diplomacy, sports and every other human activity all around the globe. And never mind that members of Congress themselves can barely speak English. For example, asked his opinion of the movie "Independence Day," Dole said: "We won. The end. Leadership. America. Good over evil." Whoa kemo sabe, someone buy Bob a verb! This is English? No wonder our laws are so screwed up.But here comes Bob promising that he'll make English our "official" tongue so American boys and girls don't grow-up speaking Swahili, Spanish, Mandarin or any of them other "furiner languages." Indeed, about 150 languages are now spoken in our great country (151 if you count Texan). But it's really Spanish that Dole and his fellow xenophobes are after, fearing that Spanish-speaking immigrants will displace the Queen's Good English with their Latin tongue.But as one who lives on the Mexican border, I can tell you that these immigrants are coming to America seeking a better life, NOT as part of a subversive plot to spread Spanish on our soil. And like all immigrants, they end-up speaking English by the second generation.Still, Bob wants government to outlaw any language but English. Does he know that this will require that all references to jalapeno be stricken from the books, and that Boca Raton, Florida, be called by its proper English name: Rat Mouth. This is progress?Ay ya ya, that Bob Dole -- muy loco!

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