Grumpy Old Semen
Senior studs aren't just getting it on, they're getting it done. Don't let the gray hair and rambling stories about a time when cars cost a nickel fool you, these aging slabs of man-beef are stone cold playas.From the loins of geezers flows the squiggly brew of conception. Sperm of the elderly is suddenly a vibrant life force. Old guys are nixing the early bird dinner specials to stay home and impregnate their womenfolk. Teeth in a glass and a bun in the oven, that's a virile badge of honor these days.Larry King, 66, is about to become a pop for the second time in two years. Even before they could exchange "I do's" Michael Douglas, 55, has Catherine Zeta-Jones in a delicate condition. Thin White Duke, David Bowie, 53, will become the Thin White Dad in August. Richard Gere, 50, became a father for the first time last month. Tony Randall started reproducing at the age of 77 and hasn't stopped since.Warren Beatty, Woody Allen and Clint Eastwood are just a few of the AARP set who recently sired rugrats. And the Artist Formerly Known as Scotty, James Doohan, will boldly go where few men have gone before, when he begats on April 1, just weeks after his 80th birthday. Insert your own "beaming up" joke here.Obviously, there's a surge in geriatric jiggy. No surprise. It's a brave new sex-you-up world out there. Even with age verification software there's still no way to keep a headstrong gramps out of the cyber porn. Global warming knocks some of the chill off and means better circulation of the blood. Once sweaters and summer jackets get peeled, it's katy bar the door.Of course the 900 pound gorilla in this steamy mix is Viagra. Boner pills. Stiffy pez. Say hello to my little friend. Erections are like handguns: if one's in the house, chances are it's gonna get used. Or at least shown around. Seniors are now locked and loaded.Yet just because a few fogies are embracing their inner horndog, getting their swerve on, doing the horizontal hula, boinking like the ship just iceberged, doesn't explain the rash of bambinos. Old guys are at the pharmacy every week buying back pills and arthritis meds. How tough can it be to toss some rubbers in the cart?These high profile pregnancies must then be a conscious decision. And the well-heeled celebs are doing it to reclaim some turf, taking back their lost prestige. Simple as that.Everything changed, all the standard perks of being a filthy rich old guy were devalued once wealth became so readily attainable to the unwashed masses. Cash in some stock options, launch an e-bidness, go mano a mano with Regis and voila, you're loaded. Is that a gazillion in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?Trophy homes, trophy cars, trophy boats and trophy dogs, once the exclusive spoils of the mature and mighty, now litter the 'burbs, common as mini-vans trying to pass themselves off as something other than a mini-van. Even the quintessential trapping of old school machismo, trophy wives, have lost their cachet. These salon-fresh, tae bo-toned creatures, so svelte and exotic, once conveyed a sense of ultimate validation. A celebration of all things penisy. "Look who clings to moi. The girth of my johnson must be staggering." Or so the TW implies.But now that any parent-mooching, Cheetoh-popping, caftan-swaddled, techno-minded social troll who happens to design an Internet site allowing users to name their own price for a foot massage has access to "Baywatch"-grade arm candy, just marrying hotness is no longer the be-all, end-all certification required by truly powerful men.However, if the trophy wife happens to swell with child, that's point, set, jenga! A whole new level of status is conferred on the proud papa. "Not only has the monstrous size of my johnson been established, but also the fact that it's fully operational." Or so the birth announcements might trumpet. Also, there is far less pillorying in the tabloids if TW-1 gets pregnant and kept around for the long haul instead of traded in for a newer, bosomier model.Analyzing this trend of fossil love pales beside the ramifications it has for the barren. Harnessing the potency of senior sperm could provide a major breakthrough in assisted reproductive technology. Rumors of a geezerseed web site, while still in the planning stages, have electrified couples unable to conceive through conventional methods; i.e., the kind of methods that don't require an old fart's baby-juice to go chugging through fallopian tubes, in the slow lane, blinker on for the entire trip.Soon the infertile will be able to point and click their way to a blessed bundle. Which is way more convenient than knocking on singer David Crosby's door -- who not surprisingly is 58 -- with a sob story, a skin mag and a Tupperware crisper, asking to borrow some sperm.