Got My Number? For the Ultimate In Self-Promotion, Press 1
Congratulations. You have reached 1(900) ABOUT ME. Repeat customers may make their selection now and press the pound key. Newcomers, welcome, and please listen to the entire options menu before making a selection. If you reached this number in error, your misdial is the best misdial you ever made. Listen to the free options menu to find out. Federal regulations require me to inform you that when the menu ends you must hang up or you will be charged two dollars per minute for the call. But you won't hang up. You'll quickly realize two dollars is a bargain to learn about me.MY SEX LIFEYou can depend on up-to-date monologues about my libidinous escapades and artful carnal transactions. How so? When I'm through pleasing my appreciative partner, I leave her to finish her deep sighs and sprint to the tape recorder to describe her incredible experience for you. I use explicit nouns and verbs, which I won't divulge, though some nouns rhyme with "rests," "lies" and "sushi," and some verbs rhyme with "rob," "leave" and "salamander." On nights I am alone, I read books, watch videos and meet my "needs," which should interest those of you fed up with trying to construct an amorous relationship in the '90s. There are nouns and verbs in the titles of my books and videos. Sorry, but I will not rhyme them for you.For titillating details, press 1.MY FAMILYOn Wednesday a family member ticked me off. Consequently, I refuse to return his/her calls. He/she can find out how I am by dialing 1-900-ABOUT ME. But who ticked me off? Was it my younger sister Jane, the lesbian sheet-rock installer who married my ex-wife; my older sister, Candy, the prizefighter/dental school student who jilted my best friend Tom; my mother, who gave me striped socks and Brussels sprouts on my birthday; or my father, who Tuesday borrowed my BMW and returned it devoid of gas?For gut-churning details, press 2.MY DIETLast Tuesday I sauteed lobster with peanut butter, red wine and twelve eclectic ingredients. A four-star French chef offered me six figures for the recipe. You'd like that recipe? Well, press 3. Last week I ate ice cream sundaes for breakfast and lost five pounds. How? Sunday I stir-fried mushrooms, papaya, and bean sprouts for a voluptuous, blond vegetarian. Hear how I made them and her.For delectable details, press 3 and then 1.MY FINANCESDiscover what IPO is making me rich faster than you can say, "What happened to Michael Milken?" Hear verbatim Saturday's fascinating advice I offered to Steve Jobs and Alan Greenspan. (They called me at 2am.) Learn about the swamp land deal I closed at Bruce Williams' expense. Also, my credit line of $50,000 dollars is maxed out and I'm smiling! Why is that?For lucrative details, press 4.MY GROOMINGLast Friday three women removed shoulder pads from their blouses and scribbled their phone numbers on them while demanding I call and soon. It's because of my cologne. What brand? You'll have to press 5. Also, learn why I keep my eyes open when I shower, and how and why I trim my hair, toe and finger nails with a butcher knife.For clean details, press 5.In addition, for just $19.95 you can own my About Me video. For details, press 6. This bi-yearly treat features all the exhilarating moments that comprise my fabulous life, a life that is so much more interesting than yours. Truth in advertising restrictions require I inform you that I, for my own personal safety, wore a blue ski mask and spoke through a voice altering box during the video. If you order today, I'll give you what is been sitting on my shelves for a year: the January-June 1995 video, absolutely free.If you want to know what I think about my incredible generosity, press 7.If you erroneously think your life is as interesting as mine and want me to listen about you at a cost of $5 per minute, press 8.Operators fortunate enough to work for me are standing by.