DURST: Will Durst's 1998 Xmas Gift Wish List
Aah, Xmas. The magical moment which comes but once a year. So, okay... it takes up three whole months now. But still. It's a sacred celebration where we honor the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ by purchasing large amounts of stuff we don't need while eating and drinking to such excess, clothes we receive from Aunts we can't remember don't fit anymore and we're free to exchange them for other worthless crap we'll rip out of its overpackaged plastic bubble wrap and never look at again. I get goosebumps just thinking about it. So here goes with our annual index of who really deserves what under their tree this Friday, aka; Will Durst's Tenth Annual 1998 Xma$ Gift Wi$h Li$t.For Bill Clinton: A pogo stick, so he can keep bounce and bounce and bounce around the truth.For Hillary Clinton: A Nobel Peace Prize for not belting Bill with a lamp everytime they're seen in public.For Monica Lewinsky: An all expenses paid year's sabbatical in Antarctica.For Saddam Hussein: A Stealth Bunker somewhere near the gates of hell.For Larry Flynt: A Pulitzer.For new Los Angeles Dodger Kevin Brown: A private island where he can spend his early October vacation.For Dominique Moceanu: Her own MTV series titled "How To Ground Your Parents."For Latrell Sprewell: A phone with Johnny Cochran's number preset into all the speed dialer positions.For The Bosnian People: The discovery of vast pools of oil. For Al Gore: A strobe light to use at Press Conferences giving the appearance of movement.For Bob Livingston: His own Calendar deal where he can pose in all his favorite outfits.For Baby Boomers Who Still Think Social Security Will Be Around When They Retire: Pixie Dust to stay forever young.For Dick Armey: A Nickname.For the NBA Players Association: A round trip ticket on the clue train.For Mike Tyson: A couple of tenderized appetizers before the main entree.For Carolyn Starr: Enough luck at Stanford to never get Chelsea Clinton as a lab partner.