DURST: Unsolved Mysteries

In an announcement with a staggering potential about on a par with Newt Gingrich declaring he's the new spokesperson for Slimfast, Whitewater independent counsel Kenneth Starr has formally ruled Vince Foster's death a suicide. Oh no. This can't be. Next thing you know he'll be telling us the demise of the Titanic was due to ramming into an accumulated hunk of frozen water. Maybe he'll reveal to the world the stunning detail that Dennis Rodman is an odd young man. Or that cilantro can be a tasty addition to guacamole. Starr confirmed the finding of approximately three gazillion earlier probes saying "this office concluded that Mr. Foster committed suicide by gunshot in Fort Marcy Park, Va., on July 20, 1993." This guy obviously has his eye on a future as replacement host of "Unsolved Mysteries" ahead of him. After Pepperdine that is. Or maybe Clinton could issue an executive order keeping him on as a kind of Detective-At-Large probing the deep riddles of life such as... * What exactly is Paulie Shore's appeal?* Which one of Peter Falk's eyes is fake?* Do tobacco executives really use stagnant electromagnetic sewer mudfor brains?* What strange urges possess cable tv viewers to buy spray on hair?* Why don't people who live in North Dakota travel south for thewinter?* What ever happened to the good ol days?* Shouldn't membership in white supremacist movements be restrictedto those who can either pronounce or spell supremacist? Will Durst can't spell suepremicizt.

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