DURST: The Year in Review, Part Three

All right. Let's whip through this. 1998. Was to years what stainless steel was to Sans-A-Belt pants. What Pamela Anderson is to advanced trigonometry. So here's some resolutions people should make for this year but probably won't. In 1999:* Dick Gephardt resolves to try stray pieces of yarn, belly button lint, a no. 4 pencil, anything, to give the illusion of eyebrows.* Latrell Sprewell promises to drop his lawsuits in exchange for a 3 month scholarship to the Albert Belle Anger Counseling Clinic.* The Nobel Peace Prize Committee devotes its spare time to reward Hillary Clinton for the restraint she's shown by not belting Bill with a lamp everytime they're seen in public.* The Long Distance Giants affirm their committment to continue merging and merging and merging until they evolve into a single entity which will be renamed: Ma Bell.* Saddam Hussein steels himself to fabricate human shields made up of various sons-in-law.* Bill Clinton professes his desire to build for the initial part of his Presidential Library: a stone wall.* Al Gore vows to use strobe lights during Press Conferences to give the appearance of movement.* Newt Gingrich commits himself, sometime during the year, against his better wishes; to stumble onto a clue.Will Durst has found covering it with cheese alleviates his fear of white food.

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