DURST: The Pentagon

You know, you hear this kind of stuff and it makes you want to storm the Pentagon and slip PCP into the coffee of anybody wearing a shiny hat. During the Gulf War, U.S. Commanders sheltered themselves behind special filters while telling their troops to disregard all reports of toxic clouds. That must have been one hell of a briefing."Good morning troops. Please pay no attention to this weird looking suit. You caught me in the middle of my, uh, beekeeping maintenance. First of all, I want to shoot down those ridiculous rumors being spread by Czechoslovakian chemical warfare specialists. You know, the ones about the weird blue cloud we saw last night that made all those birds fly funny and whether it may or may not have contained non lethal levels of poison mustard gas. I want you to analyze that statement. Czechoslovakian chemical warfare specialists. Does that make any sense to you? Isn't that like quoting Italian government officials? Who are you going to trust? Some commie grad students or trained U.S. personnel? Just ignore those worry warts. And yes, I too heard French troops reported similar results. Probably just smelling some bad brie that got left in their jeans overnight. Speaking of which, please turn in all your unopened MRE's that have bubbles or are covered in foam. But please leave them outside the command tent. Do not, I repeat, do not break the air lock seals. Dismissed".Will Durst is very hungry.