DURST: The Future of Smoking

Dateline: Virginia. August 31, 2004.Tobacco companies boosted wholesale prices by another 75 cents a pack on Monday, in part to pay off the trillion dollar Asian health care settlement reached last week, and in part to increase their profits to around $14 a pack. At the state sanctioned Indian Smoke Stop Casino and Pleasure Ranch in San Leandro, the price of a pack of Marlboros was set to increase to $32.25 a pack today."I should have stopped when they started charging $15," lamented Mabel Fumeria as she signed over the pink slip of her 95 Toyota Cressida and selected 3 cartons of Salem Extra Light Longs.While many health experts expected higher prices to deter people from smoking, it turns out manufacturers are experiencing increased profits."We all knew they were vile and greedy, but these actions have totally surpassed our wildest expectations. We stand in awe," a nameless scientist made up for this report reportedly didn't say. This latest hike marks the sixteenth consecutive week cigarette prices have increased stemming from settlements reached from 32 countries and 3 continents over costs incurred by treating smoking related diseases and cleaning smoking related drapes and furnishings.Meanwhile, the state's 34 Smoketowns, (smoking legal compounds) raised their admission charge to $16 an hour with a three hour minimum on weekends up from ten bucks an hour.In related news, the Mexican government announced Corona will now cost $44.79 a six pack to dissuade the curiously strong border riots caused by American consumers flocking to purchase the relatively cheap liquor and contraband chocolate, recently outlawed here in the states along with Altoids.Will Durst wonders what the hell is going to happen to bacon.

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