DURST: The Ebola Virus

The Ebola Virus has finally made it to the United States via two imported infected monkeys from the Philippines. But there's no reason for us humans to worry. Nah! A high ranking official of the US government with an invested pension and suspect seniority said out loud in front of professional journalists with microphones that there's no real problem because it turns out the monkeys aren't infected with the bad Ebola. No, these lucky primates got the good Ebola. Yeah, apparently this is the Ebola Virus that makes your skin silky smooth to the touch and totally eliminates cellulite. Not only that, but preliminary studies seem to indicate that other side effects include Ebola as an intermediary agent for hair restoration when augmented with a prescribed regimen of healthy anti communistic rhetoric. Besides, if the worst case scenario occurs and the Ebola escapes and infects the general population of the United States, you have to admit; it's a impartial malady, affecting polo players and league bowlers alike. Not like that prejudiced AIDS virus which only affects people who engage in perverted sexual and social activities. And when you think of it, isn't it time we welcomed a truly Democratic disease to our shores?

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