DURST: The Big Winners

I don't care what you call it, caucus, primary or pork lips and linoleum eating competition: at the end, like it or not, someone's going to end up a winner and someone is going to end up a loser. Some will be drinking champagne toasts surrounded by network camera crews and others will stop off at the local Kum and Go for a quart of Old Milwaukee Light and drink it in their rental. And this peculiar midwestern voting ritual is no exception. Except of course if you listen to the spin. My favorite part is when a staffer is forced to awkwardly explain how his candidate coming in last was a key part of a carefully orchestrated long term strategy. In politics, it's not enough to be a winner, you got to be a big winner. By definition then you would think Gore and Bush are obvious winners since they won. But you watch, pundits will crawl out of the woodwork claiming they also lost, because of a failure to win by enough. Bradley came in second, so he'll declare himself a moral winner. Although the celebration will be as muted as a saxophone full of scalloped potatoes considering his dismal last place finish in a field of two. Forbes came in a strong second so he'll assert he's the big winner. But so will McCain and Keyes who maintain they're the big big winners for exceeding expectations. McCain because he didn't even run here, and Keyes just because he's a black guy running for the Republican nomination. Bauer and Hatch are medium big winners because they can pack up and go home. But the biggest winners of all are the residents of Iowa, who don't have to suffer through another invasion of carbon based manure spreaders for another four years. Big big losers? The people of New Hampshire, next on the list of the soon to be fertilized.Will Durst is Scotch Guarding his shoes on his way to New Hampshire.

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