DURST: Sue Their Arses
Our elected officials have discovered the joys of milking the cash cow of suing people responsible for our vices. The beauty of it, is in the choice of plaintiffs. Which is to say the egg sucking dogs of corporato land.Polls revealed the tobacco gambit to be more popular than free Swedish meat balls at a dog show and the latest plan is to sue gun manufacturers because of the general feeling that kids bleeding to death on sidewalks is not the perfect cover for a tourism brochure.And you can bet the lawyers won't stop there. A class action suit against the makers of beer and booze is as inevitable as runny cheese in France. But don't stop there. Sue the fast food companies. It's not our fault we're overweight. It's theirs. How can we not eat the of charred decaying flesh of other major mammals when they make it look so appetizing. Mmm- mmm- mmm. Doesn't that greasy meat slab covered in congealed cow juice look tasty. You know what it needs: bacon.Take on the television networks for creating an America that has become dumber than a bucket of hair. Where cross referencing the newspaper's TV listings with the onscreen program guide is considered intellectually challenging. It is rumored some people are unable to complete the TV Guide crossword puzzle. And maybe a suit is called for against advertisers for making us buy useless crap we don't need with money we don't have.We could even build a case against the oil industry for purposely destroying the ozone with fossil fuel pollutants. Ice the case by presenting into evidence their fiendish ties to the giant sunblock cartel.Finally, isn't it about time we took off the kid gloves and put a stop to the dealers of America's number one addictive substance. The one that destroys households by the millions demonically targeting our children. Of course I'm talking about... sugar.Will Durst thinks Tony the Tiger does not have a bad heart.