DURST: Straw Poll Winners Are Still Losers
The Iowa straw poll: the first playoff game in the quest for the Super Bowl known as Campaign 2000 is over, and there are about as many winners as there were losers. Most folks managed a foot in each camp.The Winners.WINNER: George W. Bush. Won. LOSER: George W. Bush. "Mr. Everybody Should Just Go Home Because I Got This Thing Wrapped Up" didn't win quite as big as he should have. WINNER: The Iowa Republican Party. Made themselves $25 per vote. LOSER: The Iowa Republican Party. Responsible for sacking their own backfield 15 months before the final gun.WINNER: Malcolm "Steve" Forbes. Finished second.LOSER: Malcolm "Steve" Forbes. You'd think with that kind of money he could hire a coach to teach him to blink when he talks.WINNER: Elizabeth Dole. Came in third. LOSER: Bob Dole. Going to suffer through at least a couple more rounds of Viagra jokes.WINNER: Gary Bauer. Religious right standard bearer a surprising fourth.LOSER: Everybody else. The Losers. LOSER: Lamar Alexander. Came in sixth.WINNER: Mrs. Lamar Alexander. Her husband finally coming home after running for President for six continuous years. The Energizer bunny finally winds down. LOSER: Dan Quayle. Finished eighth behind Alan Keyes. WINNER: Dan Quayle. Has plenty of time to brush up on that home vacuum repair correspondence course he's been meaning to take. LOSER: Orrin Hatch. Came in ninth.WINNER: Orrin Hatch. Never expected to do so well.LOSER: Pat Buchanan. Finished behind Gary Bauer in courtship of far right.WINNER: The Reform Party.Will Durst thinks the Reform Party could be called a loser as well.