DURST: Republican Split

* Congress has returned to session to find itself split into two bitter forces. The Republicans led by Newt Gingrich. And the Republicans not led by Newt Gingrich.* The whole Helms/ Weld debate boiled down to differences in eras. Weld is a Republican from the New Age, and Helms is a Republican from the Jurassic Age. * President Clinton claims to have created millions of jobs. And the people of Mexico thank him.* It used to be when the Dallas Cowboys played a weaker team, it was no contest. Now, more often, that's their plea.* Scientists may have discovered the origin of that weird noise coming from the Malibu beach. It is thought to be the result of the wind whistling through the cast of "Baywatch".* Quayle is managing his own campaign for the year 2000. He has already chosen his theme: "Building a Bridge to the 20th Century", but he had to return all the bumper stickers. They all had one side that was real sticky. * Stanford has vowed to treat Chelsea Clinton like every other student, so now ALL freshmen are required to leave their Secret Service contingent at the door.* The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department held a sickout to protest low wages. The rise in crime was almost a mirror image inverse curve in relation to the drop in donut sales.Will Durst doesn't do sickouts. Sickins, yes.

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