Durst: Republican Race

Well, the Caucuses are over and now the arguments are raging about who was the real winner. Bob Dole obviously because he didn't completely keel over from acute bile backup and now he has time to ask Ted Turner to colorize him. Pat Buchanan, yes, because he came in second never having to look an immigrant in the eye. But let's be gracious: everyone of these Presidential wannabees were winners. Lamar Alexander should be ecstatic because he got enough national recognition that most people now know he's not Tommy Smothers doing a solo act after ditching his brother Dickie. Forbes can be happy that he spent less than he would had his stable of Arabians contracted Peruvian blue mold hoof virus. Phil Gramm's free fall mercifully stopped before he had to explain how coming in last was a key part of his strategy. Since Alan Keyes got 7% by spending less money than Ted Koppel's weekly hair scaffolding allowance, he has to be considered a big winner. Richard Lugar no longer has any reason to go New Hampshire which should make his family happy. Morrie Taylor may have only garnered 1% of the Hawkeye hearts, but his future is secure due to his inimitable commercial style making him a natural for the next series of Hair Club for Men ads. Bob Dornan has to be satisfied that evil still exists, but the true winners are the citizens of Iowa, who won't have to deal with this circus again for four more years.

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