DURST: Mutated Frogs

We got mutated frogs, people. It started in Minnesota, then Wisconsin, now they're seeing them in Texas, although admittedly, it's not that unusual to see a wide variety of nature's freaks emerge from the primordial soup of the Lone Star State; America's twisted ego incubator. Imagine the confusion a couple of Perot genes in an isolated DNA strand would cause. Makes me shudder like an ant on the hood of an idling 64 Impala in need of a valve job.The amphibians in question are missing minor accouterments such as legs and eyes and pretty much have all the genetic stability of Robert Downey Jr in a liquor distributor's warehouse. The frogs are important because large amounts of scientists, who are much smarter than you or I, think that our slimy green pond brethren can tell the future by being susceptible to diseases that will bedevil us bipeds down the line. In which case methinks we should utilize this peculiar soothsaying ability for more capitalistic means than mere survival. Have one of them chained to the leg of Cindy Crawford at all times and tell her it was she who caused its infirmities by attempting to become a film actress. We can turn this frog genocide into a good thing.To benefit mankind, Will Durst volunteers to be the frog chained to Cindy Crawford's leg.

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