DURST: Miss Universe

The reigning Miss Universe, Alicia Machado, of Venezuela, has just been told she has two weeks to lose 27 pounds or she will forfeit her crown. It seems one of the responsibilities of being an International beauty queen is pleasing various swimsuit contractors and to say they are unhappy about the prospect of marketing a spokesperson for a line of hefty swimwear is real similar to saying the Aids diet candy people knew disappointment.27 pounds in two weeks is a bitch. Way too much pressure to make that emergency phone call to Richard Simmons if you ask me. We're talking two pounds a day, here. What do they want her to do; suck every ounce of moisture out of her body? Do you know how many Bob Dole speeches she would have to watch? Maybe they'd prefer her to enter a deli and slice off pieces of herself for the Committee's lunch? Is she also expected to provide the rye bread and dijon mustard as well? Who says she isn't a better role model to women across the Universe with the proportional weight of a real human rather than starving herself for the benefit of some sweaty fat cats raking in the money that's sloughing off her like rain off shake shingles. Maybe Miss Universe is planning on defending her title and is perfecting wolfing and gorging as her new talent. Meanwhile, I imagine the runner up, Miss Aruba is graciously seeing to it that a heavenly cross section of cheesecakes from many lands is delivered hourly.

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