DURST: Messing With the Census Guys

Here are some possible alternative answers for the long form census. These are not suggested for personal usage since supplying knowingly incorrect answers can result in a year in jail and/or a $5,000 fine. And you have follow up with door to door questions in New Orleans in August.

Q. Do you have a working indoor toilet in your domicile?

A. No, but after we've consumed the entire contents of the five gallon containers of expired industrial strength carburetor lube we subsist on, there are buckets o'plenty available for evacuations on demand at or within five horizontal feet of every doorway.

Q. How many cars do you own?

A. 342.

Q. How long is your average commute to work?

A. Eighteen hours. Three bridges, four buses, two shuttles, a rickshaw and then I get dragged by a team of diseased goats for the last block. Its quicker going home, the goats go off duty and are replaced by lots and lots of research rats from Lawrence Livermore Lab.

Q. Toasters?

A. Two functioning toasters, one toaster oven and a long fork we use to burn bread in the fireplace. The amount of toasters almost makes up for the fact we have no west wall.

Q. How much money did you make last year?

A. It depends on what your definitions of "money," "make" and "last year" are.

Q. How many rooms in your house?

A. 1/2. See question above about no west wall.

Q. How many dependents in your domicile?

A. You talking to me? You talking to me? Ain't nobody else around. You talking to me?

Will Durst answered every question legitimately.

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