DURST: Messing With the Census Guys

Here are some possible alternative answers for the long form census. These are not suggested for personal usage since supplying knowingly incorrect answers can result in a year in jail and/or a $5,000 fine. And you have follow up with door to door questions in New Orleans in August.

Q. Do you have a working indoor toilet in your domicile?

A. No, but after we've consumed the entire contents of the five gallon containers of expired industrial strength carburetor lube we subsist on, there are buckets o'plenty available for evacuations on demand at or within five horizontal feet of every doorway.

Q. How many cars do you own?

A. 342.

Q. How long is your average commute to work?

A. Eighteen hours. Three bridges, four buses, two shuttles, a rickshaw and then I get dragged by a team of diseased goats for the last block. Its quicker going home, the goats go off duty and are replaced by lots and lots of research rats from Lawrence Livermore Lab.

Q. Toasters?

A. Two functioning toasters, one toaster oven and a long fork we use to burn bread in the fireplace. The amount of toasters almost makes up for the fact we have no west wall.

Q. How much money did you make last year?

A. It depends on what your definitions of "money," "make" and "last year" are.

Q. How many rooms in your house?

A. 1/2. See question above about no west wall.

Q. How many dependents in your domicile?

A. You talking to me? You talking to me? Ain't nobody else around. You talking to me?

Will Durst answered every question legitimately.

Understand the importance of honest news ?

So do we.

The past year has been the most arduous of our lives. The Covid-19 pandemic continues to be catastrophic not only to our health - mental and physical - but also to the stability of millions of people. For all of us independent news organizations, it’s no exception.

We’ve covered everything thrown at us this past year and will continue to do so with your support. We’ve always understood the importance of calling out corruption, regardless of political affiliation.

We need your support in this difficult time. Every reader contribution, no matter the amount, makes a difference in allowing our newsroom to bring you the stories that matter, at a time when being informed is more important than ever. Invest with us.

Make a one-time contribution to Alternet All Access, or click here to become a subscriber. Thank you.

Click to donate by check.

DonateDonate by credit card
Donate by Paypal

Don't Sit on the Sidelines of History. Join Alternet All Access and Go Ad-Free. Support Honest Journalism.