DURST: Holiday Shopping

Financial analysts are extremely excited about the mall jams that started the day after Thanksgiving. "Signaling a robust Christmas retail period." What they don't mention is that the shopping for the next three weeks will be a field trip on a bus without seats to a stuck elevator in one of the deepest cellars in Dante's Sixth level of hell. The Seventh level, of course, is reserved for the return counter the day after. So here's some tips to make the excruciating bearable.* Go to the first car you see leaving the mall and jingle your keys causing a sixteen car pileup of people jockeying for that slot. Then laugh, pocketing your keys. "Just spoofing you." You will see the Christmas spirit leak out of even Mormons like a punch bowl full of egg nog seeping into Aunt Hoogolah's dirty orange shag rug.* Stuff your kids with plenty of garlic and onions before sitting on Santa's lap. Don't change them for a couple of days either. Then refuse to buy any of their overpriced pictures.* When salesmen who bug you all year long suddenly ignore you, start pulling items off racks, dumping them into "good clothes" and "bad clothes" piles announcing loudly to the assembled which is which.* When security is summoned, light a match and thrust it into the mall guard's face chanting, "oooh, fire... fire... fire bad."Will Durst has experimented with each of these entertainments and guarantees a good time will be had by all. Have bail ready.

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