DURST: Going to Disneyland

Okay, buckle up me boyos, because I'm going to lay a heavy weird one on you here. Billie Jean Matay, former mousketeer "Billie" in the troupe that performed at Disneyland's opening in 1955 says an armed man stuck a gun in her neck recently in the Happiest Place on Earth's parking lot and took her money and jewelry. Then, park guards held her and her grandchildren, ages 5, 7, and 11 years old, against their will for questioning. I imagine the interrogation was along the lines of "How dare you get mugged in our parking lot?" and "Didn't Walt teach you anything?" She didn't mention having to sit through multiple screenings of "The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes" so it couldn't have been too bad. But she is suing the park because the kids saw the Disney characters take off their costume heads. Don't you get it, they're traumatized. They've become tiny hair trigger human bombs. I imagine not too much later in life, just a sidewards glance of a mirrored image of a shelf full of discounted puppet heads or cookie jar tops and one of them snaps... using an Army surplus flame thrower to take out a Fantasia pillow case display along with the entire third floor of F.A.O. Schwartz. "M-I-C-K-E-Y. Why, because we're twisted." Will Durst could go like... that.

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