DURST: First Lady Hillary

The toughest job in Washington DC these strange days isn't the President's or even his battery of lawyers but rather that of the First Lady whose smile is so tight you can hear the enamel cracking during extreme close ups. She's always been a rock next to her sliding mound of liquid Bubba gel, but now she makes the Rocky Mountains look like Everglades mud. I can't help but wonder how Clinton's other paramours would have fared in her place.Gennifer Flowers: "What's wrong with you people? Hasn't this man swallowed enough crap for you? Hey, hey, do you hear that noise? Know what it is? That's the screw you buzzer, now get the hell out of here. And don't let the door knob bang you in the butt on the way out." Paula Jones: "I think it's absolutely deplorable you're asking me these questions while I'm wearing this dress. Let me go up to my room in the North Wing or whatever you call it, to change, then give me three hours to whiten my teeth and I'll tell you things that'll curl your hair." Monica Lewinsky: "You press guys are sooo groty. Can't you see I'm finishing up my English Lit incomplete for Mr. Johnson. Gawd, there's a time and a place for everything and this is neither, okay? Talk to the big creep yourself. Or ask Linda. Gawd."

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