Durst: Fat Gene

In 1950, perhaps under Orson Welles' porch, scientists discovered a mutant obese mouse. Forty five years later they managed to isolate the gene this mouse failed to produce and now they think they might have an anti fat drug. A lard balm. A corpulence capsule. Porky pills. That's right, we Americans are on the verge of realizing our dream to lose weight by eating ice cream. "Exercise? Dream on Big River; I got a script." Marriages will be saved because husbands will no longer be terrorized by having to answer the question: "Honey, do these pants make me look fat?" The Universe may be expanding, but we won't have to anymore. Of course, as we speak, industrial espionage is being carried out by a consortium financed through Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, and Slimfast to discredit the research. Richard Simmons' panties are in a massive quivering bundle. I mean exceedingly so. The only thing is, man is an excluding animal. If everyone can be skinny, thin won't be in, but fat will start being where it's at. Trendy clubs will feature many whipped cream drinks, and lovers will reminisce about their first meeting when they were sucked into the folds of each others flesh due to gravitational pull.

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