DURST: "Dumb" Bombs

Hey everybody! Guess what? The US has a missile deficit. Who would have thunk?It seems we, aka: The Good Guys, have pummeled those pesky Serbs close to submission with too many Cruise missiles and now, we're running out. Of missiles, not Serbian targets, that is. Doesn't that just wrap your undies in a knot bundle the size of Madagascar?Dig the image: Poor Uncle Sam in his stocking feet paddling off to the missile cupboard and coming up empty. And the ironic part is he can't go to the store to buy any more, because... he is the store. Oh sure, he's got 2000 Tomahawks left in the downstairs pantry but only two thirds of those are the most excellent kind with New Improved Crater Helper and he's expected to whip through 300 of them next week taking out bridges and orphanages and such in the name of humanity.Originally designed to carry nuclear payloads, the Tomahawks wowed critics in their premier performance as tactical weapons during Desert Storm and graduated to become the entire offensive line of the Pentagon. Unfortunately, production stopped in 1997 to develop an even hunkier tactical cruise missile with Amazing Cluster Crystals but it won't be ready for four years.However, don't you for a minute think the good old US doesn't have stand by plans. We are seriously considering upgrading 146 dumb bombs with conversion kits costing $350,000 apiece, but alas and alack, NEA grants have been slashed and federal scholarships are severely limited, so we might be forced to wage the rest of the non war with ground troops, which as we know, is so barbaric.Will Durst wonders how soon dumb bomb jokes will become all the rage.


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