DURST: Carnivorous Rant

Now lets get this straight. I'm a carnivore. I like cheeseburgers. Mmm, mmm. Greasy meat slabs inside of wheat foam covered with congealed cow juice. I'm happy. Don't get me wrong, I respect vegetarians. I hate sproutheads. You know from sproutheads? Severe vegetarians? The kind of people who see "auras, oh wow." I think people who see "auras" are experiencing the first stages of "glaucoma, oh wow." Tofu; I try to eat it. I do. First off, it sounds like a foot disease. And maybe it's psychosomatic, but 4 inches from my mouth, "unh-uh, I'm sorry, this should come out of my body, not go into it." Its like the missing expectorant. Should come from the crease inside your elbow. "Oh look at that, tofu. Put that in your miso soup and sup on it." Wine without alcohol... why? I thought Welch's had the gig sewed up. Decaffeinated coffee? You putz, that's why I drink it. You take the caffeine out, this liquid is useless to me. Its hot bitter dirty water. Without the charge. "I like the wiry buzz, its the rich flavor I could do without." And now the new big rage is..."fiber in your diet." Yeah pal, I get enough fiber in my diet gnawing on the twine I'm tied to the bedpost with. But then, perhaps I'm telling you much more than you need to know. Will Durst is the kind of guy who sprinkles bacon bits on ice cream sandwiches

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