DURST: Bob Dole's Identity
Bob Dole has an identity problem. For one thing he insists on referring to himself in the third person while just about everybody else keeps talking about him in the past tense. And he doesn't get it. You can see him start to shuffle around, wondering what the hell is going on. Why, back in his day, a man wasn't judged by how old he was, but rather by how many dead woolly mammoths he was able to drag back to the cave for his family to gnaw on after holding over the hot red light. Now see, there I go again. Sorry, I can't help it. Hell, these days 73 isn't old. Admittedly, it's not the greased chute to a quarterback position in the NFL. Okay, the Jets maybe. But my theory is the campaign is going about this all wrong. There are plenty of ways he could utilize his experience and peddle himself as America's favorite elder statesman. Get the Disney people on board and market him as Uncle Sam's brother, the wacky but lovable Uncle Bob. To bolster his civil rights record, they could stage a animatronic recreation of the signing of Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation showing a wax Dole presenting Abe the fateful quill. I know, I know, how could you tell the difference.Will Durst will do the jokes here if you please.