DURST: Bob Dole Has Gas

In the last thirteen weeks gas prices have risen 14% to a five year high, and Americans are whining like second graders who had their Halloween candy rationed by a Mormon Marine baby-sitter. Even though, when adjusted for inflation, therates are still cheaper than when Henry Ford came up with the idea for the locking gas cap. With his National Baby Monitor cranked up high enough to be bothersome at a bagpipe parade, Bob Dole, grabbed onto this issue like a swimmer adrift in a sea of dorsal fins gloms onto a leaking rubber raft. Hoping for a tow to the dry land of Poll Rising he's calling for a repeal of Clinton's 1993 four and a half cent raise in the federal gas tax, ignoring his votes for ten cents in similar raises over the last decade. The "Dole Dime," according to the White House. He is the ultimate grandparent. One of those, "do as I say, not as I do" kind of guys. Next he'll blame Clinton for tight shoes and one ply toilet paper. Not so amazingly, this "electorate as idiots" strategy is working; apparently we Americans actually believe our Constitution guarantees us the right to cheap gas. And cheeseburgers. That's why the English are such wussiesfor not eating the Mad Cows. Here, it wouldn't matter if the burgers were from leprous syphilitic cows or covered with bright red parasite larvae. We'd eat 'em before we got out of the drive-thru.

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