DURST: Bill Gates for President

Well, well, well. Looky here. Bill Gates got his little microchip weenie dusted and slapped by Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson's findings of fact, when he decided the antitrust case against Microsoft without a jury. "Jury? We don't need no stinking jury. Get a rope!" This sets the stage for an eventual ruling that could either mean the breakup of the software giant or even such extreme censure as the mandatory group- combing of Bill himself. What a darn shame. I imagine Netscape and Apple are holding celebrations that would wake Archimedes. The shelves of Silicon Valley party supply stores empty. Of course you know what will happen. The same exact scenario that recently starred Ma Bell. First it'll split up into umpteen different entities then slowly merge back together again under the guise of marketplace forces. Meanwhile, the split and reformed Microsoft stock will be worth more than the United States Gross National Product, and eventually they'll take over our government. And then Bill Gates will become President and everybody will have to wear their hair like that, and most of us will move to Amsterdam to drink Heinekin and eat pommes frites and wear wooden shoes. Click clack. Click clack. Click clack. Will Durst promises to buy you a beer at the Van Gogh Museum.

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