DURST: Awards Season

Now I don't mean to boost everyone's blood pressure higher than scalper prices on the new Star Wars movie by overeacting here, but if I were you, I'd find a nice safe steel bunker to hunker down behind, because it's awards season and cast statuettes are being tossed around like dimes at a county fair. Like resignation slips at the European Union Commission Executive Lounge. Like hair spray at the West Virginia Junior Miss Pageant. We've recently had the Oscars, the Comedy Awards, the Country Music Awards; the Emmys are coming up and now I'm weighing in with the most important of all: the Will Durst Thank God They Exist Because I'm A Comic Awards.* BEST ACTOR: Kenneth Starr as prosecutor Javert in the long running Washington production of Les Miserables.* PROOF THAT SOME SPECIES DO EAT THEIR YOUNG AWARD: Linda Tripp for saying she thought of Monica as her daughter. By the way, Linda also gets the best supporting actor award for her role in "Tootsie goes to the Pentagon."* BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: Hillary Clinton for her portrayal as a saint.* THE HAMILTON BURGER BEST IMPERSONATION OF AN ATTORNEY DESTINED TO LOSE AWARD: Group award to Microsoft's lawyers.* THE I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT AWARD: Bob Dole, Viagra and Erectile Dysfunction.* BEST SCORE: Whoever bought Amazon.com at 10.* LAZURUS AWARD: Steve Jobs and Apple Computer.* UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT AWARD: A tie. The US Government for announcing that it's worried about the long term effects of Medical Marijuana on the terminally ill. And the University of Kentucky which has banned alcohol on campus sending the message to students, that if you want to drink, get a car.Will Durst has always been unclear on the concept.


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