DURST: Airline Service ... Upgrades?

The airlines launched an industry wide voluntary program aimed at reversing their reputation for poor service to somewhere near the levels of Greyhound. This noncompulsory program, an attempt to circumvent the threat of a legislated passenger bill of rights will undoubtably be as effective as a rope handle on a shovel.In a industry reversal, the airlines are being a bit vague. Disingenuous even. They promise to try harder. They're really really sorry and they'll do everything in their power to make sure it will never happen again. Until it does. And then stay out of their face or they'll call security. Here are a few of the service upgrades rumored to be implemented.-- Double lined airsick bags now minty fresh.-- Attendants instructed to shriek at you: "suck sand and die" with a smile.-- Gravel used to fill headrests to be pounded smaller.-- First class male passengers stranded more than 6 hours on tarmac delays allowed to use coach bulkheads as urinals.-- Emergency exit cards feature 4 color illustrations of Cajun artist Rodrigue's lovable Blue Dog.-- Luggage will no longer arrive late at a destination other than yours. Now you're guaranteed one or the other.-- Reading lamps will be repositioned to focus on your seat partner's knees rather than your seat partner's feet.-- Dab of butter like substance on bread shaped cardboard now a more vibrant yellow.-- Seatbacks to recline a full 12/16 of an inch instead of normal 3/4 of an inch.Will Durst can't wait.

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