DURST: 20 Least Fascinating Men in America
George Magazine is a very enlightened publication from the mind of John F. Kennedy Jr., who I must say has an exceptional eye for talent, and the fact they've hired me to provide meandering musings in the past has very little to do with my effusive praise. This month their cover story features the 20 Most Fascinating Men In America, but neglected to chronicle the 20 Least Fascinating Men In America. I hope to expeditiously remedy that situation.1. Rush Limbaugh. Jabba The Talk Show Host. Mega Yawns. As inconsequential as a rope handle on a shovel. 350 pounds of enh.2. Al Gore. Dialing for Dollars Grand Champion. Potential Dutch Elm Disease victim. Not apparent whether android logic boards will have advanced enough by year 2000 to make him appear Presidential.3. Clarence Thomas. Supreme Court Sheep. Probably consults with Antonin Scalia before he wipes himself.4. Tony Blair. Oh, look. Alright, not an American, but he visited once recently. Conservative in liberal clothing. Clinton should sue for trademark infringement. As the English are fond of saying: "Blah. Blah. Blah."5. Robert Novack. One note Bob and the note in question is the one right after do and re. Me, dammit, me. Stuffed into that suit like a sleepy lizard in search of a warm rock after swallowing a stray pair of dentures.6. Newt Gingrich. Newt who? Put out an APB. No, come to think of it, don't.7. Teddy Kennedy. Senator and Uncle Emeritus. Been very quiet lately. Too quiet.8. Billy Bob Thornton. Sling Blade. Schming Blade.9. Tom Coburn. Oklahoma anthropoidal throwback. Referred to "Schindler's List", as pornographic and obscene. Ancestors either hit every branch falling out of stupid tree or were stuck in evolution control group.10. OJ Simpson. Plaintiff. There's a large rock in a small South Seas Island with your name on it. Crawl under it, would ya? Then wait twenty years before you pull a Nixon and attempt your comeback. And fail.11. Pete Wilson. Pro life Mr. Prop 187. Governor of Limboland. Alienated fellow Republicans to point where he's less popular than a school of piranha in a children's wading pool during a raw meat swimsuit exhibition. And about as marketable.12. Alan Greenspan. Bear in bull's clothing. You know I believe in the First Amendment as much as the next guy. As long as the next guy isn't Alan Greenspan.13. Stephen Hawking. Commercial actor. Scam artist. How do we know half the stuff this guy says is true? Who's got the balls to contradict him? Probably set up whole "smartest man in the world" trip just so he can meet Uma Thurman.14. Kenneth Starr. Independent counsel ad nauseam. Master molehill mountain maker.15. Richard Gephardt. Poster boy for bland. If serious about wresting spotlight to challenge Gore, should make nice with an eyebrow prosthetics supply house.16. Dennis Rodman. Madonna wannabe. Bad boy act starting to smell a little gamey. Morphing into Richard Simmons with a marginally higher vertical leap. Probably a smaller scoring average as well.17. George Will. Charisma of kelp. Makes Mr. Rogers look wired. Disproves the old saying that anybody who likes baseball can't be all bad.18. Ian Wulmit. Cloned a sheep. Right. Hell, we've been cloning sheep in America for years. Just call 'em the Christian Coalition.19. Bryant Gumbel. Surly mumbling head. Left the Today Show to host his own news magazine program. Oh yeah, that's what we need. Another news magazine show.20. John F. Kennedy Jr. Married.21-23. Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Perry, and David Schwimmer. TV sitcom equivalent of elephant bell jeans. Friends don't let friends watch "Friends."Will Durst is number 221.