DURST: 1999's Misfit Toys

CLAREMONT, NEW HAMPSHIRE, WHERE JOHN MCCAIN AND BILL BRADLEY AGREED ON BIG SOFT MONEY FROM SPECIAL INTERESTS. THEY'RE AGAINST IT. BUT THEY'LL TAKE THE MONEY AS LONG AS EVERYONE ELSE IS. UNH HUNH.Every year, toymakers all over the world try to catch the lightning in a bottle that was the Cabbage Patch Doll craze of a decade ago. And every year 99.9 percent of these creations are bigger bombs than Roseanne's talk show. Think "Hudson Hawk" meets "Howard the Duck" at "Ishtar."Everybody knows the fickle nature of America's kids is only exceeded by the cowardice and narrow vision of corporate board rooms and these toymakers' noble efforts often never see the light of day. So, as a holiday special I would like to spotlight a few toy ideas that failed to achieve liftoff on these year's seasonal launching pad. Some may be ahead of their time, some may have missed their brief window of opportunity and some are just fevered figments of chronic amphetamine induced nightmares.1999's Misfit Toys:-- Rudolph the Rednosed Roadkill.-- Skully: Ghost of Xmas Future Beanie Baby.-- Beowolf the Pokemon.-- Gangrenous: For Couples.-- The Dress Her Up Liddy Dole.-- Old McDonald's Genetically Modified Veal Farm.-- Chutes and Ladders and Retired Lab Mice.-- Sterno Me. Sterno You.-- The Burning Man Pop Up Book.-- Harsh Realm Plush Toy Collection.-- Plastique: A Mind Game.-- Ally McBeal's Easy Bake Kitchen.-- Teenage Mutant Pastry Chefs.-- Whoopee Goldberg Cushions.-- The Official Pete Rose Atlantic City Dice Table.-- Whack-A-Tobacco Lobbyist.-- Lead. Lead. Uranium!-- Outbreak: Now with Ebola!-- Tickle Me Mumia.-- Clinton Logs.Will Durst smells money being minted on this page.

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