DURST: 1999 X-MA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS, WHERE THE WHOLE TRADITION OF SANTA COMING DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH A BIG RED NOSE ORIGINATED. AND IS KEPT ALIVE BY EVERY MALE UNDER PENALTY OF EXILE.One year, a long time ago, when the consuming nature of the shopping beast was getting the best of me, I decided to switch sides and took a job as a holiday Santa Claus at a ghost mall on the south side of Milwaukee. Forced to change into the fat red guy in the JC Penney's husky boys dressing room and operate the Polaroid photo thingie myself, I gave the whole schpiel, in my best Richard Nixon voice without ever promising the kids anything specific and at the end I would say, "Now I want you to do me a favor. You promise me to do everything you can to stay out of trouble between now and Christmas and I promise you'll get everything you deserve." The kids bought it. The parents however shuddered visibly. As might these folks if the same were to happen to them:WILL DURST'S 1999 XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$TFor Bill Gates: Janet Reno in his dreams.For George W Bush Jr: A GED.For John McCain: Negative of that photo of George W dancing naked on a bar.For Hillary Clinton: Negative of a photo of Rudy Giuliani dancing naked on a homeless guy.For Rudy Giuliani: Hillary's long awaited shot on Letterman guest hosted by Ehud Barak.For Gwenyth Paltrow: A lifetime pass to the In-N-Out Burger.For Linda Tripp: A petard to hoist herself on.Will Durst says do not fear.

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