DURST: 1997 Christmas Gift Wish List II

So we started giving thanks that consumers are out there doing their patriotic duty of sinking heavily into debt to honor the birth of our Lord by offering up to the most deserving of us, Will Durst's 1997 Xma$ Gift Wi$h Li$t. Let's get on with it, shall we?For Boris Yeltsin: Some black market connections for antibiotics so he doesn't have to depend on the Russian medical system.For Apple Computer: A federally sanctioned year long Microsoft free zone.For Hillary Clinton: A weekend in the White House hot tub with Antonio Banderas, and a t-shirt with "Payback is a Bitch" on the front.For Astronauts headed for the Mir Space Station: Copies of "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Repair".For the new owners of Hudson Beef Patties: The contract to provide the NHL with commemorative pucks.For Larry King: A permanent bridal suite at the Las Vegas Mirage Hotel.For The Parents Of The Iowa Septuplets: A lifetime supply of Extra Strength Valium.For Saddam Hussein: A human shield made up of various son-in-laws.For Mike Tyson: A fight with George Foreman that can be billed, "The Beast and The Buffet".For Socks the Cat: A transfer to Stanford where he can hook up with his real and true friend.For Paula Jones: Exclusive worldwide rights to all photographs exhibited during her upcoming trial.For Steve Forbes: A Mary Kay Makeover.For Dennis Rodman: An endorsement deal with Victoria's Secret for when he loses his shoe contract.For Madeline Albright: An extra large cup so she can gain a little respect from the big boysFor Mike Ovitz: A mattress so the poor boy can have something to fall back on.For Mayor of Oakland Mayor wannabe Jerry Brown: A 55 gallon drum of that medicine they give to Attention Deficit Disorder kids.For Willie Brown: One of those really really expensive and totally useless whatchamacallits.For Iranian President Mohammad Khatami: A brand new Shiite Moderate kit, which consists of a gun which ran out of bullets.For Ted Turner: His own personalized Blue UN helmet, and a Good Will tour for the Atlanta Braves of Bosnia.


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Happy Holidays!