DURST: 1997 Christmas Gift Wish List
Merry Christmas everybody! It's that time of year when you have to make those hard decisions like whether you can rewrap Aunt Hoogolah's fruit cake from last year to give as an anonymous gift at the company Christmas party. Then you remember the fruit cake is two years old and it doesn't even affect your crisis. So let's move on with Will Durst's patented 1997 Christmas Gift Wish List.For Eddie DeBartolo: The address and phone number of just one of the Grand Jurors.For Dick Gephardt: Eyebrows. A couple of pieces of stray yarn, a no. 4 pencil, something!For Benjamin Netanyahu: A couple of acres of land anywhere to exchange for peace.For Robert Downey Jr: Six months worth of ugly pills.For All Airline Passengers In The Wake Of The National Transportation Safety Board's Report That The TWA 800 Crash Was The Result Of "Something Unknown Happening": Rosary beads.For Representative Dan Burton: His very own Janet Reno Swimsuit Calendar.For Attorney General Janet Reno: Her very own Louis Freeh Swimsuit Calendar.For Alan Greenspan: A vow of silence.For Bill Gates: One of those vacuum cleaner hair cutting attachments they sell on cable.For World.com CEO Bernie Ebbers who bought MCI: Custom fitted underwear.For Barry Switzer: A new coaching position where he can better work his "run and shoot" offense.For Dan Quayle: A spell check.For Chelsea Clinton: An entire contingent of Secret Service agents who do not speak English and have problems staying awake after nine.For Michael Jackson: An invitation by an eccentric millionaire to spend a weekend in a mansion haunted by Elvis' Ghost.For Hillary Clinton: A new bestseller with the title of "It Takes A Subpoena."For Tiger Woods: 3 days of peace and quiet.For Rush Limbaugh: A new publicity push started by a "Where Is He Now?" article.For Fox Television: If they lose football, a replacement series called: "While Enraged Animals Attack The World's Scariest Police Chases, Deadly Swarms Demolish America's Most Wanted Cops."