Desperately Seeking David
To: Jill99Thu, May 8, 1997 1:41 PM EDTSubj: Mrs. David DuchovnyFrom: TurtleZen jilllll!!!! did you hear the news!!!!!! our man got married!!!! To Tea Leoni of The Naked Truth (horrible NBC sitcom) why why why? Why not me? Or you? Why not us both???? rachelTo: TurtleZenSubj: Re: Mrs. David DuchovnyDate: Mon, May 12, 1997 2:21 PM EDTFrom: Jill99oh god rachel i just got this email an im gonna cry right here in the computer center. he got married? To the naked truth? No, its a lie. It'll never work. No. Don't believe it. Nope. When is the show on? I've got to see this bimbo.Waaaaaaaa!Love, JillI want to believe.In life and hope and possibilities, in true love.In David Duchovny.I believe -- I know -- there is Someone for Everyone in this crazy, mixed-up world we live in. And I know David Duchovny is -- was -- my Someone.Or, maybe my friend Jill's.I've been in love with David Duchovny ever since "The X-Files" debuted on Fox in 1993. With his Yale pedigree, dry, sarcastic sense of humor and sleepy gray eyes, he's the sexiest man on television.Jill is equally obsessed, and a few weeks ago, the two of us started scheming on how to get our man.We agreed on a pact and a Plan. The pact stated that it doesn't matter which one of David Duchnovy falls for -- we're both perfect for him.And the Plan? How would we make sure we got him? (I call him David Duchovny, first and last name always, please -- it's so poetic; Jill uses his TV character's name: "I'd have to call him Mulder when we had sex.") As soon as Jill saved up enough money to replace the engine in her VW van, we'd get her dog Cleo and embark on a road trip to Vancouver, B.C., where "The X-Files" is filmed. Then we'd casually walk Cleo around the set and naturally run into Duchovny as he walked his dog.Within minutes, we were sure, he'd fall in love with one -- or both -- of us.The Plan -- the perfect, perfect plan -- was shot to hell on Tuesday, May 6, 1997.On that fateful, horrible day, David Duchovny wed actress Tea Leoni.Tea Leoni. Just the very sound of her name makes me shudder; as the star of NBC's "The Naked Truth", she annoys me every week with her toothy smiled, bleached-blond, spastic energy. And now, after only four months of dating she's snagged Mulder.Jill and I needed a new Plan. Fast. (The only person OK for Mulder to marry besides us, we'd agreed, was Scully; that union would have our blessing.)Vancouver wasn't going to work anymore. According to People magazine, Duchovny had just wrapped up shooting the last show of the season before taking off for the wedding in New York. After that, who knows where he would go? It could be anywhere. Suddenly, a restless sense of panic closed in on me. I needed to talk to David Duchovny; I needed to give him the chance to rethink his decision, to rethink his life. But first, I needed to find him.I was desperately seeking David.There was only one answer.If I couldn't take a real road trip to meet David Duchovny, I'd have to take on a virtual one. Surely the Information Superhighway would lead me to him. Although he's publicly stated that he doesn't go online, it seemed like my only hope. (Mulder is a big Net user, after all; his computer password is Trustno1). With a few quick keystrokes, I theorize, I'd be closer to David Duchovny then ever before. I'd then have the chance to set him straight. How could he resist? (Not only am I his biggest fan, but we'd have plenty to talk about; I know everything about him and I'd love to read his Ph.D. thesis on "Magic and Technology in Contemporary Poetry and Prose.")It should be pretty easy to find David Duchovny online, I figured. Lots of celebrities surf the Web; it's a great way for them to research upcoming projects -- not to mention their favorite subjects: themselves. With that in mind, I logged onto America Online's X-Files Forum (Keyword: XFiles) and hit the David Duchovny discussion board. There'd probably be a little down time on his honeymoon (even if the rumors of him being a sex addict are true); what better way to relax than to hang out and obsess about himself all day long? With a few cyber clues, I was sure I could find out his whereabouts -- or at least procure his e-mail address.All I got, however, was a seat at the world's largest wake.Subj: Married?Date: 5/8/97 17:09:57From: MulderGrrlOK guys, we all hate Tea right? I mean anyone named after a beverage (yeah, sure, accent mark, whatever). Anyways, what are the chances of it working out? I mean, with all this stuff about him being a sex addict and stuff, maybe he just wanted to get married to prove to everyone that he isn't, and once he gets the point across, it'll be over.Subj: MarriageDate: 5/8/97 20:52:38 EDT From: KimPerry What a way to start the morning. Eating my blueberry Eggo's with a cup of *tea* and I'm watching E! Entertainment telling me David just got married. My mouth dropped open, a partially chewed bit of breakfast clunkered down my throat, and I felt like I was 16 again and just heard the news that Simon Le Bon (Duran Duran) got married.Subj: Hearts are ShatteringDate: 5/10/97 7:43:09 From: XFiles37 Does David even care? Hearts are shattering all across the nation with the news of his marriage. All those women that have fantasized about just meeting him ... touching him ... feeling his warm breath on the back of their neck in the middle of the night. Why get married? I understand that everyone -- even celebrities hot enough to melt the ice caps like David Duchovny -- need someone to love and share things with. But by being a celebrity there are certain responsibilities that come along with that. I think he has an obligation to his fans. I probably shouldn't utter a word against precious David because he is so precious, and I'm not a celebrity so I shouldn't say anything on the subject. It's just that if you had listened hard enough the day the word got out about DD and TL, you would of heard all those hearts shattering.Subj: Tea Date: 5/11/97 2:15:13 PMFrom: VanityGrrl To the "ladies" who are hollering that his marriage ruined their fantasies, think how you would feel if your distasteful postings ruined his marriage. Or at least ruined his opinion of his fans, which seems more likely. It's cool to have fantasies and all that, yes I have them too. But when you take it to the extreme that you analyze his childhood with regards to his personal life today, a) you know too much and b) you're scarily obsessed.No kidding, this more obsessed-than-thou game was getting really tiring. I was the most obsessed -- but I still didn't have David Duchovny's e-mail address. My scouring of both AOL's member directory and the Internet White Pages list dozens of people using the name David Duchovny. Who was the real one? What if David Duchovny isn't online at all? What if he was really serious (and not just trying to throw fans off the scent) when he told a reporter that he avoided "X Files"-related sites because "seeking discussion about yourself can only lead to problems."What if, I thought as I remembered a recent Movieline interview, his one reported Internet experience just turned him off to cyberspace completely? I thought back to his comments:"I typed in ÔHi, I'm David Duchovny, Does anybody want to talk?' And they just went on with their conversation ... [The Internet] brings people together. It's like church. You know we all go there saying we're going to pray for God, but we're actually there to meet people, right? And have a community. That's why church is great. It's not just faith, it's about community. Like God, I'm unnecessary at this point. They'd hate me if I showed up."What if he's right? As I wade through a sea of posts, all from people seeking the exact same thing as me, I wonder what if the truth isn't out there? What if David Duchovny isn't who I thought he was? What if he isn't my Someone, and I'm just obsessed with something completely out of reach? Maybe I'm just a pathetic excuse for a human being, and I should get the hell off the Internet and back into a healthier, real world environment.Then again, I wonder what John Cusack's e-mail address is.